I'm feeling very anxious today. I woke up at 1:30 AM (probably due to some neighbor coming home at that time). I woke up directly out of a dream where Michael Cera and I were spinning 2-foot-umbrellas-made-of-candy-canes on our fingers. We were simultaneously yelling and trying to wake up our zombie friends from dreams (they were somnambulent, or maybe just walking around as if being controlled by some evil power) without them touching us because I think we would have gotten infected by whatever was controlling them and making them walk around like creepy, possessed, normal-looking zombies.
I've been anxious since Friday, since my defense meeting plans got interrupted. I am horribly anxious about finding a new date because I'm really cutting it close to the deadline. I'm also anxious about having to finish up work projects by Thursday while trying not to work overtime in order to get that done, and getting my next draft ready for my advisor. I'm concerned about my health (one of the reasons I couldn't fall back asleep since 1:30 was because I was in pain). I just can't wait for this time to be done. I'm trying really hard to keep myself on task, but I'm beyond burned out. That's why I'm stopping work -- to see if I can become less burned out for a while and spent 14 hours a day working on school instead of BOTH work and school. I'm anxious because I have not had the most supportive situation in the last year. For the last 3-4 months I felt that I was starting to move into a better place, but now I felt worse again this weekend. I think I know why, but that's another topic to be discussed offline. So I need to move away from that pain and back toward myself -- back toward being excited and happy and everything I was once again becoming after that pain. I have plans to move to a new apartment and I'm looking forward to being able to spend time with a good friend.
In the meantime, I just need to keep moving forward. I can't do two things at once. So I'm going in to work early to finish up some projects and then I'm going to work on school again this afternoon, and then go to bed as soon as I get home. Sometimes it helps to think about having blinders on. This morning would have been a good time for blinders -- it was one of those times you wake up from a dream and your room is really hot and you start flashing through all of the regrets and mistakes and sadness of your life. I can pinpoint the cause of all of those mistakes to one particular event that happened in 2007. If I could take it back, I would. I am trying to recover from it and I was doing a decent job until some stuff knocked me down a bit -- but now I'm already pretty far up on the slope back to myself again. All I know is that love is the thing that makes me feel the best in this world. So when you feel that love, cherish it and don't let it go. That's been the motto I lived by until 2007. I believe it is my motto once again, after that dark period of my life. I hope that my story ends well -- you know, like those superheroes who go into a dark period of their lives and come out in costume as a new person and start changing the world? Haha. Well that's my hope. It's better than a super villain going into a dark period only to reemerge to become the greatest terror the world has ever seen. Let's hope for the first option!!
Every morning when I wake up at 5 I open my back door. I sit on the ground and take many deep breaths of the fresh air. My backyard is a forest so it smells beyond wonderful. It smells like pine, cold, fresh air. It stirs up memories of camping. It makes me feel connected to nature, excited, and calm at the same time. I miss connecting with nature and experiencing it. I am glad to have at least this small chance to connect with it every day. It has made me want to buy a house that has nature around it. I have been casually looking for houses recently, wondering what kinds I could afford, how much I'll need to save up, and when I might want to buy one. I fantasize about having a house, a dog, 2 kids, and a loving husband. I imagine us spending quality family time together, playing musical instruments together, cooking together, helping them with their homework, going on fun and exciting trips with them, and playing with our dog. I hope to be on the way to that goal next year. Once this school thing is done I plan to focus on getting healthy and enjoying my freedom for a while, but then I really want to start living some of that dream. I really look forward to home life and taking my kids on trips. Camping, sending them to Harry Potter chemistry camp :), pirate summer camp (in PDX), and a whole bunch of other things.
I am big into enjoying little things. I do this naturally and I often wonder if others do the same. I get so much enjoyment out of basic things like the act of chopping up ingredients for a salad and arranging it on the plate so that it's colorful. The smell of the air every morning. The fact that I have soft carpet under me instead of living somewhere else in the world. The vitamins that I'm getting from the food I'm eating. Really simple things. I enjoy this about myself, that I have always been able to appreciate the little things in my life. I think this is something I have had my whole life and it's one of those things you always wonder about in terms of if other people have this trait. I enjoy drinking water out of my pink, stainless steel water bottle. There's not a whole lot involved in that task, but I enjoy thinking about the fact that I have water that I have collected from nature. Of course, the water isn't so natural as drinking out of a river, but in the past it would have been. That's why I enjoy big bowls of fruit and take my time eating -- so that I have a chance to pretend that we are all back living in a time when food is scarce and you have to collect nuts and berries and water from the forest. I love my mindset in this regard because I naturally have a deep appreciation for my food and water. I think it's one of the reasons I have also always been into the apocalyptic and horror genres -- they really make you focus on what's important in life and your priorities change. If I could describe how I often see the world (such as when I take a drink out of my water bottle), it would be similar to how you would view water in an apocalypse -- you would treasure water and find it so delicious. You would be so happy when you found a new box of bottled water in an abandoned warehouse. That's a pretty good summary of what flashes before my eyes when I sip my water. Haha, am I weird? I don't know...it may be weird, but I think it's pretty neat to appreciate things to that degree.
I am also a big believer in what I personally refer to as "body awareness". Going about your day and noticing your body's reactions. Are you smiling all of a sudden? What made you smile? What thoughts make you laugh during the day? Find out what those things are that make you feel good and do more of them. This was one of the biggest things I did earlier this year in order to stop ignoring my heart and start listening to it again. I found myself smiling throughout the day because of certain things and when I thought about what made me smile, I realized it was usually because I was thinking about a specific person. When you listen to your body's reactions to thinking about a specific person, it is your heart telling you the right decision. If when you think about a particular person you feel only excitement about being with that person but don't feel a whole lot of support, that is your heart speaking to you. If you think about someone and feel an overwhelming sense of a warm feeling and calm, that is your heart telling you who to trust. The difficulty comes when you are faced with multiple people in your life, each of who cause your body to react differently. One excitement, one warm and comforting. That is the decision that I have been struggling with for a long time.
Same with anxiety and stress - when you feel that roll of anxiety in your stomach and your blood pressure goes up, what caused that to happen? And is it necessary to be scared of it? If it is, then how can you go about fixing the situation so that you don't have to feel that roll of anxiety? Well, that's actually why I'm here writing right now. I'm summarizing my fears on "e-paper" and at the same time writing about some powers that I do possess that have always made me enjoy life. It's important to remind yourself of all the things you do well so that you have a healthy mindset. One of the things I do throughout the day is to say, "That was a good choice" to myself whenever I make a good decision. I say it out loud. When I decide to go to bed rather than watch another episode of Vikings (which didn't happen because I watched the whole season in one sitting lol), I say, "That was a good choice." So maybe a better example would be The Shield -- when I stop watching TV in favor of sleep, I appreciate myself for making that choice. When I eat a sandwich instead of pizza, I say, "That was a good choice". By doing this throughout my days, I am constantly reminded of all the good things I am doing. I believe many people might forget to do this when they are improving their lives -- they focus on what is left to accomplish in the goal to rehaul their lives. In the process, they have tunnel vision for only seeing the massive amount of work left on the to do list, rather than all the items that they crossed OFF the to do list or items that they were able to make sure never made it on to the to do list. This point is something I would definitely like to talk about in more detail later -- especially as I have had significant learning experiences with this in graduate school when I never saw the light at the end of the tunnel.
I would like to continue writing but in an effort to reduce my stress, I'm going in to work early to cross some things off my to do list! :)
To be continued...
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