Lost

I feel a little bit lost in terms of how to explain how I'm doing in my life right now. Maybe a bulleted list will help:

• I left my job on Thursday night with a plan to start working again on November 1. 
• I signed a lease for a new and cheaper apartment yesterday with a plan to move in on Labor Day. 
• I set my defense date (again) for the first week of October with a plan to be pretty much finished with my drafts by September 16.

Other than that, I don't really know how to describe how I'm doing. It has been such a weird year that it is hard to reflect on it. I'm still overwhelmed, but almost done with this phase of my life. I'm really tired and my health is not good, so I'm trying as hard as I can to eat as much good food as possible (which is very difficult given my lack of time and my fatigue). I've done alright though, even given the challenges. It should be easier now that I have no work to focus on. Wish I could hire a personal assistant right about now :). Someone to cook what I want, clean my place, help get all my errands accomplished, and do tedious tasks that are taking up my time. I have set up a number of doctor appointments in September so hopefully I'll make some progress on the getting healthy front. It's hard to know how you truly feel when you're so busy and you barely sleep -- it's easy to feel like you have flu when you consistently wake up at 1:30 AM :). My goal is to sleep 8 hours a night now that I'm done working.

I left work hopeful and was actually considering going back there to work in November, like I said. But then after feeling pretty awful yesterday and today, I started thinking that I can't go back there (because of the health things that happened). After talking to my grandma today I started to think that I just shouldn't go back to work there--period. She kind of scared me a little when we talked about my health as a result of working there, but it's nothing I hadn't already thought of. However, our conversation did get me to rethink returning to work there. I think there's a 50/50 chance I'll just have to quit, unless they let me work from home. My plan is to give myself a few weeks to deal with other stuff and to see how I feel (physically) in a couple weeks. Then I'll talk to my supervisor about making some arrangements at work to see if I can continue working there.

I was looking forward to moving into this new place and have signed a 10-month lease there. It has a deck with a great view of Puget Sound, the Capitol, and the Olympics. It's cheaper than where I'm living, too. I was looking forward to growing some stuff outside. But now that I'm considering not going back to work, I might not be staying there as long. Basically, the reason this makes me sad is because I'm just plain tired of moving. I've moved way too much in my life and I'm tired of it. I want to settle down and have a stable life so I can unpack my things and make a home for myself. I have been a gypsy too long and it's time to settle down. I'm ready for that. I'm getting there, but I'm not there yet. I am REALLY looking forward to being done with this chapter of my life in October. Regardless of how things end with school, I'll be done with it for good. I'm so ready for that, too. In just 7 weeks this thing will be done and I will know the outcome.

I might have to revise my travel plans based on the outcomes of the events above, but either way I'm going to splurge on some sort of relaxation/meditation weekend retreat as well as a tropical vacation on the beach. It might not be a month in Hawaii in May, but it could be 2 weeks in the Caribbean in December. We'll see how it all plays out. Either way, I need some restoration. I need to recover my life and get back to living. I am very much looking forward to it. I can't think about anything else except for the end of the tunnel. I am almost there.

For now, my current goals that I'm focused on are:

• Finish and send draft #3
• Drink my carrot and cranberry juice, chai tea, green tea, and coffee every day
• Eat salads every night
• Eat wild Alaskan, pole caught salmon again (I'm trying this in an attempt to see if it helps my body--which is really struggling right now)
• Eat 3 whole grains a day (brown rice, oatmeal, barley, bulgur, etc.)
• Eat avocado, beans, olive oil, flaxseed, handful of nuts every day
• Sleep 8 hours a night
• Move to new apartment
• Wear my retainer :)

I'm already doing most of those (with the exception of the retainer!), but those are the things I should be focused on the most right now. Getting healthy and staying healthy, and finishing my drafts. I still find myself wanting to quit sometimes even though I'm so close to having a chance to finish the degree, but I'm committed to at least TRYING to finish it at this point. I only have to put up with it for 7 more weeks so I'm giving it my all until then. It's not that much longer...

Hope to write about more adventures soon -- I've had a great time writing my novel here and there and reading Lord of the Rings :)