Last night I wrote some more of the first few chapters of my book. I really enjoy the world that I'm creating in my head. I'm also reading Lord of the Rings on my Kindle.
I'm very tired and looking forward to some sleep tonight and tomorrow night. Tomorrow is my last day at work -- I hope I can can get everything done that I need to get done so I can leave on time and not stay all night. It's hard to wrap things up so quickly (2 weeks).
A friend is coming up this weekend to help me look at apartments. R will also help me with rent over the next couple months. But I'm going to trick him -- I'm going to take his rent money and pretend I'm paying the rent with it but I'll REALLY put it into savings for next year to help pay for his trip to Hawaii so that he can go with me.
A lot of things have made me sad lately, including a family situation that's going on now. Technically it should be a good situation, but it's not feeling good to me. I don't want to explain here. But anyway, let's forget about that situation and talk about a different situation that made me sad about my family this weekend. I had made my dad a present for his birthday by CREATING and printing a deck of playing cards of various activities that I was offering to take him on for his birthday. A cruise down the Columbia River Gorge, Star Trek in the Park, a movie at OMSI, etc. I told him he could pick two cards. I spent a few hours coming up with the ideas for pictures to put on each card (I copied the pictures from their websites) and instead of the little number symbols on the cards I put the dates when the event was (one card had a 24 in the corners, for August 24th). On the back of each card was the name of the event, the date, the location. It was a really creative present. And none of the family reacted in any sort of positive way -- the only comment my dad made was a half-assed, "That's creative honey." I have never been appreciated by them and I have never appreciated them. I just wish I could choose my family. But you can't, as they say. That's why it's so important to me to marry the right person so that I can have the family that I never had.
Just had to share that experience because it reflects how I feel right now -- many of the people I am forced to make time for these days are people I don't want to be around. I want to have time to be around I care about and people who appreciate me. I want to have time to be around THOSE people, not the ones I'm forced to make time for because of genetic code. I'm really, really looking forward to October when this is all over. I will once again surround myself with the people I like and people who appreciate me. One of the reasons I find myself missing B lately is because he is the most supportive of most of my interests out of any significant others. He encourages my nerdiness, my creativity, my adventurousness and gets excited about pretty much all of the same stuff. He encouraged me to go to his jazz band concerts and to a Ravens game, while I encouraged him to travel with me to British Columbia and the Scottish Highland Games. We both got excited about gardening and museums and renaissance faires. I miss that about him. I'm also really going through another period of being really overburdened at the moment and so things are affecting me more because I have no power to fix them. I don't have time to fix the fact that I'm not surrounded by supportive people because I am putting all my time into just getting by.
One of the things that really bothers me about this situation is that people don't understand why it has taken so long and they make ignorant judgments about my situation because they don't have all the facts. It's fine to not have all the facts, but then you don't get to make judgments if you don't have all the facts. People think I've been working on this project hardcore for 4 years. No, I haven't. I haven't been doing that at all. In fact, if I had been working that hard, I would have been done 3 years ago. I went through long periods at a time where I got so burned out and demotivated that I stopped working on it for a while and started going out all the time, traveling, seeing people, etc. THAT is what caused me to take so long on this, not the fact that I have been working on this for 4 years straight. In fact, last year I think I did maybe a handful of hours of work on this project between April and September. I really regret that, but still -- that is the truth. I don't tell certain people the truth because I want them to think that I have been working on it, because I am SUPPOSED to be working on it. Anyway, I just regret the judgments from people who don't have all the facts. Not supportive at all, and it's pretty ignorant.
A couple months ago I saw that one of L's relatives had made a comment to her that was very unsupportive when she had really started to make forward progress again on her project that she's working on, "Wow haven't you been working on that degree for 10 years? Aren't you done yet?" Something to that effect. I know how I would feel if my relative said that to me. I wonder if anyone else can imagine how that would make someone in her shoes feel? It's pretty astounding how unaware many people are. Especially after being at this job, it's shocking how inconsiderate people can be. It's pretty disheartening, actually. Yep, I'm not in the best mood today lol.
Well, here are some things I am proud of myself for:
- Choosing to take a leave from my job rather than quit (and be out of money)
- Choosing to take a leave from my job to focus full-time on the end of school (rather than juggle work and school for another 7 weeks)
- Making healthy nutritional decisions each day, even if I don't eat 100% healthy that day. One of the things I do is try to make sure I eat certain good foods every day, no matter what kind of bad food I ate. If I'm going to have pizza for lunch, then I must eat my 10 kinds of fruits and 3 kinds of vegetables during breakfast and dinner.
- Choosing to try to finish this project rather than stop
- Keeping focused on what's important to me after I finished (travel plans, activities, dog, friends, etc.)
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