Pep talk

I'm pretty overwhelmed right now.

My health is not so good, which concerns me.

I feel like I'm in over my head on some work projects and kind of feel like this position should have been an "in-training" position, rather than thrusting me into this alone (but I'm sure they can't afford to have two of us there, due to budget).

All I hear are negative comments from the majority of people at work ("tell me you finished that degree so you can FINALLY move on with your life" -- um, excuse me? Way to be supportive about something you know nothing about...). Or they'll say, "Why haven't you decorated your office?" That was pretty much the most common thing I heard for the first month when I was "meeting" people. Meeting them mostly consisted of them stopping by to say, "You should put some pictures up!" Gee, nice to meet you too. Now I understand all those police shows -- the culture is very harassing, teasing, rude by normal social standards. But apparently that's how the culture works? I don't like it. I have actually learned a lot from watching the police shows -- I can see all the "initiation" that goes on and all the "teasing". It doesn't make it any easier or more enjoyable to deal with, but it's slightly more tolerable because at least I know it's a particular cultural experience. I didn't sign up for that, though, so it kind of offends me to this day. I'm tired of feeling like I'm going through initiation when I didn't sign up to do that.

And the school thing is its own bailiwick. I am so close to having this out of my life forever, but I'm still terrified I won't pass. I'm tired of putting my life on hold for this. I am in the stage of preparing my drafts for the final meeting, but it still feels like I'm so far (probably because my draft isn't really "complete" yet haha). But at least I have a sketch of a draft, and I'm working on draft #2. My plan is to send another draft to my advisor every Sunday night. I'm going to work hard on this all August to get it to a place I feel okay with. Then I'll have another week or so in September to continue to work on the editing and writing of it. Maybe I should hire an English student to help fix the writing and editing and formatting? I wish I could call myself Dr, but I'm still so unsure that I will pass and that everything will work out that I'm still anxious about thinking like that.

So I need a pep talk. What DO I have?

• I went to a very good high school.
• I have a double-major Bachelors Degree.
• I have a Masters Degree. 
• I have three years of full-time working experience across a variety of fields.
• I can communicate in a different language (Spanish) and I can at least read and interpret written (and some spoken) French.
• I have lived in 2 foreign countries.
• I've traveled to 9 foreign countries.
• I've lived in 4 states.
• I've traveled to 12 states and DC.
• I've ridden a hot air balloon across the Willamette Valley of Oregon and rafted the white waters of Eastern Oregon.

• I've ridden horses on the beaches of Hawaii, high in the Andes Mountains that divide Argentina and Chile, at Gettysburg behind Confederate lines, and have galloped through the oceans at the Oregon coast.

• I've had 10 jobs in my life starting with working at our family pizza restaurant, working at a video rental store (I think I just dated myself there!), being a librarian's assistant, and moving on to being a research assistant, research analyst, consultant, and now my current position. I have had a wide range of experiences.
• I've volunteered helping disabled children ride horses for therapeutic purposes, worked with Easter Seals to help out parents with disabled children, translated and answered phones at a battered women's shelter, participated in a beach cleanup, served on a statewide team of coordinators of a food drive, and mentored and tutored elementary school children.
• I got a very selective internship at a research university as an undergraduate and also won multiple scholarships. 
• I was Vice President of Intellectual Development in one of my undergraduate organizations, and I was Vice President of Event Planning for one of the honor societies.
• I have received an undergraduate award and a fellowship as a graduate in my field of study.
• I've received an award in 2 of the 3 full-time jobs I've had so far. most recently, I received an award after just 3 months in my current role.
• I have been an author on a publication in a peer-reviewed journal.
• I've done a lot more than this, too!

I have done a lot of things in my life that I can be proud of. The problem is that I have trouble accepting that I am worthy of them :). I just don't see myself that way. Perhaps that should be a self-driven goal of mine for the rest of this year -- be proud of what you have done. I used to be proud of myself, but graduate school and work have killed that...I think it's time to get that back.

I do feel a little better after writing that. Even though my life may not be where I desire it to be right now, I am close. I will finish this chapter of my life in a little over 2 months. Well, if I pass, I will have to do work for the month of October as well, but if I don't pass then I will be done in 2 months. I will have FREE TIME either way! I can do all those things I dream about doing, and have tried to fit in here and there over the last few years. More trips, more sleep, a dog, more festivals, more friends, more everything!

One day at a time.