Searching for the path

Feeling bad again today haha. It seems like three steps forward, two steps back. It's slow going and very mentally taxing. I felt pretty damn good on Thursday, given all the things I could have been feeling. I felt progress. Then on Friday one of my committee members said he couldn't meet at the scheduled time--so now I'm struggling to find another date to meet that will still let me meet all the required deadlines I need to meet by November.

I had a slight panic attack for a few hours at work after hearing about this, partially because this particular member is one of the most antagonistic of the committee and he scares me. I'm always a little afraid that he'll suggest that I shouldn't pass for some reason, based on the past five meeting experiences I've had with him throughout the years. I need to get on his good side, so it stressed me out to have him just state that he couldn't meet then without any additional information as to when might be an alternative time to meet. Two of the other members on my committee immediately responded and said they could come in earlier than 8 AM if needed, which seemed very supportive. But an earlier time wouldn't work for this individual so now I am forced to find a new date. I really, really hope I can find a new date that week -- otherwise I'm getting into trouble with having enough time to make edits and submit my final manuscript before the deadline. It will be a very serious time crunch (maybe undoable?) if I set the meeting too much later than the first of October.

I hope that this blog can once again turn into a journal of fun activities in about a month or so. But for now it's stuck recording the trials I'm going through. These are definitely still "adventures" that I'm going through, just not at ALL the fun kind of adventure. :) You know when you wake up from those horror nightmares and are so thankful that it wasn't real? Well, imagine having those nightmares become reality and having to face them all day. That's the best way to sum up some of the things I'm going through -- the degree of panic, fear, anxiety, stress, and frustration that you experience going through this. I have many times woken up from a horrible nightmare only to not feel that sense of relief upon realizing it was just a dream; instead, I realize that the dream was in fact reality and that I was living that situation and must face it during the day. It's not a good way to feel.

I have been getting a lot of help from "R" (nickname) and L. Lots of instrumental help in getting this thing finished. Help with editing, writing, and other crazy tasks that are required for this project. I hope I can help L finish up with her project soon too :).

I need to keep focused on this thing. I can't be distracted by crap I hear from unsupportive people in my life relating to why I haven't finished yet or how I keep saying I'll be done at a certain time and I'm not done. Haha, I just wrote a reeeeeeally long section here about why I dislike my family, but I deleted it. I'm trying to keep this blog focused on the fun things in life and my adventures, rather than my past. I did keep a copy of the text though and saved it offline. To give you the short version without all the gory details, my family and I have no relationship and I have continued to be sad about not having a family. I wish I had support from the people who are "supposed" to be there for you more than anyone. But I don't. And I'm only keeping them in my life for money purposes and so my future children can maybe have a relationship with them. I have more love for my grandparents than my parents, so I at least know that maybe there is some value for my children in having some sort of relationship with them, even if I don't want them to have one. So my reasons for keeping them around are both very self-centered and very selfless at the same time. My life is a paradox in many ways.

Anyway! Back to my life. I am still planning to go to Hawaii next year! I am really looking forward to relaxing and being healthy again. I think that no matter what happens in early October, once I'm finished with this thing I'm going to take a vacation before I go back to work. I don't know where I'll go because I want to save all my money for Hawaii and Ireland trips AND it will be nearly winter (so vacations around here won't be quite the tropical resort atmosphere that I'll need at that point), but maybe I can take a short trip to Southern California. Maybe Disneyland or Sea World for five days! I'll have to think about it. But I have to be finished with everything by that point, otherwise I won't have time for a vacation before I have to start work again on November 1.

If I don't have time for a long trip, I'm certainly going on a short trip. Probably to San Juans. There is a festival in the San Juans all October that I am interested to see, plus I've been wanting to go there all year and didn't get the chance. Believe me...once this "project" is done, I will be taking all the "chances" I want! I used to go out 5 days a week to festivals, events with friends, fun things, trips, parties, etc. I used to spend my spare time playing the piano, learning the banjo or the mandolin, taking Mandarin or French lessons, learning new things, writing in my journal, reading books for fun, cooking up a storm, scrapbooking my fun times, building things, designing things, etc. That's my "normal" life. I miss living that way. Really the only aspect of that life that I'm living right now is that I am doing some reading at night before I go to bed. I just finished Railsea by China Mieville. It wasn't as good as Perdido Street Station by China, but it was still an interesting creation of a world (basically, in Railsea the world is based around trains...it was an interesting idea).

Pretty soon, this journal will no longer reflect the "life that I have while finishing this project" but will reflect the real me. The real life I lead. If you only took a snapshot of my life during this year and tried to figure out who I was, you would think I was a very boring person lol. Working ALL the time, fitting in a couple things here and there. But that's NOT me. It's just me now as this deadline looms. It won't be me for long. I miss me. I miss me a lot. L and I both feel the same way and I'm so glad (but also sad) that she's in this with me. Without her, I think I would have lost my way. Now we both have a chance to finish and move on to being ourselves again.

I watched Vikings and Whodunnit this week. Both captured my full attention (I watched both of them in one sitting...lol). Seems I'm pretty bad about that. Once I start, I can't stop doing something I love. Which is why for the time being, I have to be really careful thinking about the future for the next 6 weeks. I can't get sidetracked thinking about all the fun things I want to do and stay up all night planning trips.

Some more things that are a part of my "real" life that I'm looking forward to getting back to once I'm back to being me and free from this project:

• Costume parties. Going to Dragon*Con and Comic-Con and GeekGirlCon as Jean Grey. 
• Hiking trips with friends.
• Kayaking trips with friends. When we were kayaking up here in July, J/A/C and I talked about doing a kayaking trip along Puget Sound. We would pack our stuff in the kayak and kayak up Puget Sound to different campgrounds and beaches and camp overnight. The next day, we would hop in our kayaks and go to a new beach. It was a great idea and a very local thing to do so it would be relatively easy for a week trip next summer. I love the idea! Eventually, my goal is to kayak all the regions of Puget Sound -- my map already has some pegs on it.
• Concerts. I miss music and I miss going to so many concerts. I used to go to about a concert a month. Lately, I've been avoiding music because it stirs up emotions and distracts me from working. For example, listening to "Gypsy" by Fleetwood Mac the other day distracted me for a long time and got me on a roll being excited about life. Isn't that sad -- that I am in the wrong for being excited about life? It makes me sad when I am "off track" and "being unproductive" when I'm planning fun trips or writing novels or being excited about life events. It's a very sad life to be living, feeling that way. Honestly, that's the main reason I'm excited to move on with my life -- I will no longer feel guilt when I spend my entire weekend planning out a trip! Or even more so, going on a trip! I will be able to spend 8 weekends next year camping out at Renaissance Faires if I wanted to do so. I don't think I'll do 8 weekends, but at least 2. 

Bottom line, I have a lot to look forward to and I need to avoid people who are a bad influence on my life. I have so many supportive people in my life and I am happy to have them. Life should not be spent forging relationships with people you don't want to be around -- you should find those who make you all you can be, who help you get to a good place, who help you when you're down, and who want to support you in being who you are and being who you want to be. They can see through the rough times and see how the external circumstances are affecting you -- they can see through all that and help you through it. I have been fortunate to have a number of friends in my life who do exactly that. I am so thankful. This blog is going to remain anonymous as much as it can so I am avoiding names, but I hope they know who they are. Once this is all done (and once I get time to do things like spend time on other people again!), I will let them know how much I appreciated them during this period of my life. :)