October

Job Status

• Job I was interviewing for got cancelled (5 out of the 8 openings I applied for at that company have been cancelled so far...I guess they are doing major reorganization and moving departments out of this state).
• Participated in phase 1 testing for a job in San Francisco. Took 2 written tests. No word on if I passed and will get invited to interview. Really hope I get this job. I would like to live in San Francisco, even though this job would give me a $30,000 pay CUT. I want to get out of here so badly that I would take a $30,000 pay cut...
• Interviewing for a job in Sacramento this week. Really hope I get this job.
• Haven't applied to all that many jobs. I'm being somewhat particular about which ones to apply to because I do want to be happy. Plus, I'm not qualified for a big portion of open jobs ("director", "manager", "5 years of experience"). I'm watching for openings though, and applying to probably 1 job per week on average.

Travel Status

Just got back from a 3-day weekend at Orcas Island in the San Juan Islands. Basically in Canada. Good weekend with J. We had a panoramic view of most of the San Juan Islands and Vancouver Island (will post pictures later). While sitting in our living room we saw two humpback whales, a pack of seals, sea otters, and Canadian geese. Elsewhere on the island we also saw deer, sheep, horses, cows, dogs, and a bunny. It was a wildlife-filled trip.

Trying to plan a trip to Australia. I need a "walkabout" type of experience to reconnect with my life. I should have done something like that right after finishing school, but couldn't handle it financially. Now I have enough saved up to do it, but after talking about it with J we concluded that the only way I can do something like that is to get a job and negotiate a later start date so I can go on a trip. My current plan is to get a job and ask to start 6 weeks from the time of job offer. That will give me 2 weeks for notice to exit my current job, and 4 weeks to travel Australia.

Ideally I would take off 3-6 months to just travel, but I just don't know how feasible that is. I could probably make it work money-wise but the real issue is finding a job after I get back. I could afford to travel Australia for 3-6 months, but once I got back it could take at least 6 months to find a job -- THAT I could not afford because it would mean I would be unemployed for 1 year.

I have only been thinking about Australia because it's winter now and it would kind of suck to travel Europe in the winter. So that's why I thought about Australia. I also was inspired to go there because I know L and another couple I know had both traveled around Australia for ~6 months. I've been pricing it out and it's very expensive to do what I want to do, but it's worth it. I'm tired of saving money. In Kauai and on Orcas I got really nice places to stay, waterfront. I'm tired of scrounging and saving money on trips. Of course there is a limit (I'm not going to pay $3,000 for a train trip when I can pay $890 for the same trip...). 

But this idea of being able to travel between jobs has really given me hope. The only reason I haven't quit already and started traveling is because I'm afraid of my recommendors. If I leave, the people who are giving me recommendations (my supervisor primarily) will have less reason to give me a positive review because I've already left. So I am mostly scared of that. I fear that if I left and traveled and asked for a recommendation 3 months after being gone, any non-positive recommendation would get worse over time. In the context, it is rational to be so afraid of a recommendation. People get written reprimands, accused of sick leave abuse, etc. all the time. If not for that, I would leave and try to get a job later. But given these apprehensions and the poor job market right now, I have to play it safe because I don't have a lot of money to fall back on.

Falling Forward

I've been wanting to get on here and write for so long...it has been a really hard couple months. REALLY hard nine months of recovery after finishing school last December. I have improved some areas of my life, but some areas are just getting worse the longer I'm here (mental health mainly, due to job).

Job

I am desperately trying to find a new job. I am miserable at work, my self-esteem is gone, I feel worthless and incompetent, sick all the time, unsupported (my boss has never sat down with me in 1.5 years to ask about my goals, my training needs, or anything like that...sometimes he doesn't even say "Bye" when he walks by my office on the way out of work...). People there are miserable and feel oppressed. We are constantly abused, left out of decisions that we should be involved with, and constantly have to deal with culture clashes due to the industry we work in (unfortunately the people in the "other" culture are the people running every division, so it's really difficult/impossible to talk to them about the cultural difficulties because they are part of that culture).

Until recently I had only been targeting jobs in Seattle (which has a very small percentage of jobs in my field). There just aren't a lot of low-level jobs in Seattle, unfortunately. Maybe 3 jobs that I'm qualified for have opened up in the last year. So J and I decided that moving away might be the only option...now I'm looking in Seattle, Portland, San Francisco, San Diego, DC, and Houston. I'll consider New York, LA, and Florida if I'm desperate. I'd really like to work in England or Australia and do some traveling, but I'm honestly not sure how to go about getting a job there.

My Diet 

(not the losing-weight kind of diet, the kind that describes what you generally eat)

I finally have my food and weight loss somewhat under control. I dropped 30 pounds from February-June...gained 5 of that back, but still I'm down a total of 25 pounds. I got retested for some of the food allergies and it looked like the corn one has gone away (which is huge...corn is in ALMOST EVERYTHING if you count normal corn, corn syrup solids, maltodextrin, modified food starch). I am glad I can eat corn, but I'm still going to try to buy non-GMO corn when I can. It's hard to buy my old organic, non-GMO stuff with all these restrictions...the only way to really make organic food now is to make it myself with separate organic ingredients (which is great and something I'd like to do more of anyway, but it's just a LOT of time to make ALL your food and causes huge issues when I forget my lunch for example (nothing I can eat out at restaurants so I just can't eat lunch)).

My old diet (pre-February 2014):

• Fruits: All the time = bananas, grapes, raisins, cranberries, strawberries, blueberries, apple, pears, cherries; Sometimes = kiwi, apricots, mangoes, peaches, papaya; Rarely = oranges, raspberries, watermelon
• Vegetables: All the time = Kale, avocado, Swiss chard, black beans, carrots, onion, bell peppers; Sometimes = cabbage, squash, pumpkin, lentils, cucumbers, peas, mushrooms; Rarely = artichokes, asparagus, bean sprouts, tomatoes
• Grains: All the time = whole wheat crackers, beer; Sometimes = whole wheat pasta, oatmeal, popcorn, barley, rye, couscous; Rarely = whole wheat bread, brown rice
• Protein: All the time = tofu, nuts (almonds, cashews, peanut butter, pistachios, walnuts); Never = animal products, eggs only if they were an ingredient in a processed food, 
• Dairy: Sometimes = small amounts of cheddar, mozzarella, Parmesan, yogurt, dairy milk
• Oils: All the time = Olive oil
• Desserts: Sometimes = graham crackers and chocolate; Rarely = butter

My diet these days (post-February 2014):

• Fruits: All the time = coconut milk, bananas, grapes, raisins, cranberries, strawberries, blueberries, apple, pears, mangoes, dates, figs; Sometimes = kiwi, papaya, raspberries; Rarely = oranges, watermelon
• Vegetables: All the time = broccoli, spinach, avocado, tomatoes, kidney/black beans; Sometimes = cassava root, plaintains, potatoes, taro, beets, turnips, artichokes, leeks, radishes; Rarely = asparagus
• Grains: All the time = brown rice, quinoa, rice milk; Sometimes = amaranth, buckwheat, millet, popcorn
• Protein: All the time = chicken eggs, pecans; Sometimes = salmon/tuna
• Dairy: All the time = frozen yogurt, ice cream, cheddar, mozzarella, Parmesan, yogurt
• Oils: All the time = Olive oil; Sometimes = sunflower oil
• Desserts: All the time = crystallized ginger, dried mangoes, ginger snaps; Very rarely = butter, coconut oil

Basically my point is...my diet nearly did a 180 and flipped on its head. I realized this even more yesterday when I reflected on the fact that my diet has been pretty much mainly: Coconuts, rice, mangoes, turnips, beets, radishes, spinach, leeks, tomatoes, and chia seeds. All stuff I never used to eat (except mango).

Favoritism

I was just skimming an article on NPR about favoritism in parents and how perception of favoritism is what makes the difference, not actual favoritism. It got me wondering who my parents' favorite is. My brother and I could hardly be more different. I have totally distanced myself from my family, so obviously now my brother has got to be the favorite.

I would guess that we were mostly equal favorites until I was about 10 or so (when I started to have an independent conscience), when I started avoiding my parents (in all aspects of life). Didn't want them to hear me play piano, didn't want them to watch me ride in my horse show, etc.). My brother was different, somewhat. He didn't push them away. He's less emotional and open about his life and emotions, but pushed away less also. I always felt like they favored him because he was the good ol' typical son and mostly because he played sports. My family is really. into. sports. I need to get going so here's a quick summary of the differences between my brother and I:

• He's still Catholic and religious. --> I chose not to be confirmed as a Catholic when I was 16, and am not religious.
• He attended a local high school. --> I went to private high school in another city.
• He went to state college where my parents went, got same degree as my dad, was in same fraternity as my dad. --> I went to private college where no one else in my family had gone and got a PhD.
• He played sports throughout his life and my family was very involved in watching him. --> I rode horses and did crew, neither of which my family was involved in.
• He's been at same job for the last 7 years since he was 22. --> I've had 7 jobs in 4 different states since I was 22.
• He got married when he was 26. --> I'm not married yet at 31.
• He lived with our parents after college and then bought a house when he was 26. --> I've lived in 9 different apartments since college and moved back to live with our parents 4 times during that time frame.
• He never left the country until he went to Cancun for a wedding when he was 28 and he never lived outside of our home state. --> I went to the NE United States when I was 10, six countries in Europe when I was 17, Spain for a summer immersion program when I was 18, Chile for a few months when I was 21, moved Ohio for four years when I was 22, moved to DC for a year and a half when I was 27, Canada when I was 28, lived in Washington for last 1.75 years.
• He played an instrument for a couple years and stopped Spanish after a couple years. --> I took two languages in high school and college and still play two instruments.
• Not to mention the fact that we have COMPLETELY different interests... He likes watching sports, drinking, and hanging out at home. --> I like costume parties, traveling, camping, hiking, science fiction, video games.

The only similarities we have are that we don't like to be physically affectionate in front of our parents, we both like Walking Dead, and we both started writing fiction books.

New Things of the Week: Made tapioca, made mashed turnips, cooked radishes, sunflower sprouts on salad.

Non Sequitur of the Day: Did you know that chimps have different murder rates in different locations, like our cities do? Bonobos apparently have the lowest murder rate overall with only 1 suspected murder in the last 92 years of observation, but chimps have higher rates in high density areas (due to competition for resources, is the theory). Interesting.

I can and I will

I CAN get out of here. I CAN do it. I need to believe it...

I am still having an insane time at work. My neighbors are still slamming their doors at full volume and shaking my apartment so much it makes me jump ~10-20 times a night. It's really stressful. Many times at night I'll cry after I come home just because of the work + slamming doors + feeling trapped here.

So far I am only interviewing with one place. I am continuing to apply to places I think are decent fits for me, which isn't many. Jobs are opening in my field frequently, but not here. I have been considering moving somewhere else. I really don't want to but I need to get out of here...

It has been beautiful, as summers are. Wonderful outside, 70s-80s, perfect to sit outside.

Okay just as I was thinking about how great the weather is, my neighbor just slammed the door so hard it made me jump in my seat and my heart raced. Omg. What do I do? Do I send ANOTHER noise complaint on them to management? (I already reported my next door neighbor, now this is my downstairs neighbor). How can people be so inconsiderate? I'm going to email management again and ask them to put a doorstop in that door too. Omg I need to get out of here into a nice place...

I'm going to start studying for technical interviews. I am also trying to sleep more. I have a costume part coming up that I am very excited about. I'm feeling okay, considering everything. I just really needed to come here to write out this:

"I Can get out of here. I WILL get out of here soon."

I would like a copy of...

I am having severe problems at work. My biggest stressor is that the current litigation is really straining my relationships with the two people I need to give me recommendations -- THAT is what is really stressing me out. Trying to maintain a positive image in their eyes while dealing with this litigation is horribly stressful. I ran into this at my last job when I was trying to leave too -- my supervisor was quite mean and I spent so much time trying to look good in her eyes near the end of my time there. I guess it paid off?

Anyway, that is really what's causing me stress right now. Beyond the litigation, grievance, and public records requests that I have to deal with during the course of my job. It's crazy. When do I have time to do my REAL job? In between dealing with lawsuits, union grievances, and pulling thousands of files for public records requests. I've spent 10-15% of my year pulling records for public records requests. That law needs to be changed -- not because it's a bad law, but because it allows loopholes...serious loopholes. It allows disgruntled employees and citizens to harass employers.

You wouldn't believe the stuff people ask for. I'm talking like, I know we've spent over $100,000 pulling records in my department alone in the last year since I've been there, just pulling records for people's requests. And that's just ONE department for ONE year in ONE agency!! Think about if you combined all agencies! It's costing millions of dollars just to pull files for public requests. It's fine to ask for records and I'm totally for openness, but harassment and abuse of those laws is a totally different story. Here's an example of what one employee has asked for (details changed to protect him): "I would like a copy of ALL spreadsheets that Dr. J has created in the last year and will create for the next 3 months." That means I have to find all my spreadsheets, which is a TON. And then the secretary has to look through EVERY single part of every spreadsheet and black out any confidential information. Then he might ask, "I now want a copy of all emails that Dr. J sends or receives for the next 3 months." Same situation there. Let's assume in the next month he asks for 15 more public records requests in a similar fashion. Yep, I have to provide them all. Suddenly my job is no longer my job, I am a well-paid file puller. The taxpayers are paying me a lot of money just to pull files for this one guy. Sadly, this hypothetical situation is not fake...it's understating what's really going on here.

But of course the public records stuff is all on top of our lawsuit, which I've spent over 100 hours on. Again, another month's salary goes to the litigation alone, along with a month's salary of every person in my department. I tell you...I never want to be involved in this realm again. I want nothing to do with public records or lawsuits. It sucks. It's frustrating to see people taking advantage of the system and essentially I am paying for it! We're all paying for these really squeaky wheels as a society. Sometimes you can oil a squeaky wheel and it stops squeaking, but sometimes you need to recognize when the wheel is just useless and get a new wheel...in this case, shut these people down from harassment somehow. It's frustrating because no ONE citizen should have that much power. I should not personally have the power to send a barrage of records requests to all state agencies who now have to spend $ on pulling files for me...essentially I could submit as many requests as a I wanted and spend millions of dollars on Dr. J's records requests. Even if I don't do anything with that information and was just curious about reading it. Millions of dollars down the drain!!! It's infuriating. The law needs to be fixed to prevent abuse. I shouldn't have the power alone to cost the citizens here millions of dollars just because I feel like it. Hopefully someone someday will get this story to the media and they can report on how much money is spent as a result of this law. If only taxpayers knew how much money they're paying to oil the squeaky wheels...

/end rant. I will write more inspirational stuff later. Right now I was trying to get my head in the game and forget about work issues today. Update tonight...

Insomnia = persistence

I always go IN to work thinking positively, hoping it will be a good day. Every day I go OUT of there short of breath (due to air), tired, and angry and/or frustrated. I sometimes don't like going home because I don't want to leave in the middle of a bad situation -- I'd rather sort things out before quitting. Kind of like how they say, "Don't go to bed angry!" I don't go to bed angry...to my chagrin sometimes because it means I often have endless patience for staying up and talking about things until they are resolved. Most people don't have that tolerance so it usually doesn't work out in my favor...they usually either fall asleep while I'm talking or they become so tired that it's worthless talking to them.

Why do I have such a tolerance for sleep avoidance? I have often wondered what is the physiological mechanism that causes someone to be a better sleeper or to be more of an insomniac. Is it a certain gene? What is happening at the cellular level to cause me to wake up at every sound when other people sleep like bricks? Why do I hate sleep when others love sleeping? I have been putting a concerted effort forth to increase my sleep, especially considering I'm sleeping WAY less and WAY worse than when I was working on my PhD!! That is a problem. I should be sleeping better!

Here's the graph from the sleep app I've been using to monitor my sleep since December 2012. My sleep quality was up near 90% and then it dropped to 70% right after I finished my PhD, and also when I switched my diet to be allergy free. I'm working on this. If you want a good idea of what this graph means, take a look at just before October 2013 -- that little dip there is when I was in the crazy, sleep-deprived, caffeinated, nervous breakdown final stages of defending my PhD. And now compare that to what has happened since October...that's insane!!

I really like Scramble with Friends, the app. I am heavily entrenched. So far my top word count is 137 words out of 180 seconds (180 seconds is the time of each round), meaning I find one word every 3/4 of a second. They also calculate your average words per minute...my average translates to 44 words per 60 seconds right now, but the wpm it's still continuing to climb daily because I just recently started playing and the average is slow to move upward.

***Update on 8/1/2014: My record is now 150 words in a 180-second game.

I really don't know how good my scores are because the app only ranks you against people you have played against, not the entire population of Scramble players. I just won 90 games in a row without losing so I assume I'm doing okay...I just wish you could see percentiles and statistics and stuff :). I like that sort of thing. I often get ~110-130 words out of the 180-second round, so it would be nice to see a chart of all my rounds to see my averages and stuff. Anyway, I'm really into the game.

I am looking forward to this interview. It will go really well. I am going to sell myself well and convince them that I'm their best choice. Then I will move out of here :). That is my plan. My other plan is to write in this journal at least once a day no matter what happens. I NEED to get back to regular writing. It helps me focus my energies, find direction and meaning in life, and organize my thoughts and priorities. It also motivates me to see my goals and accomplishments written down on e-paper. Going to bed so I can get up early to study...

Travel photos of the day

Because I don't have time to sit down and do a whole photo journey of my Hawaii trip (and other trips that I still haven't updated on!), I decided that each time I post on here I'm just going to choose a couple photos from an experience I had on a trip and give the story behind those photos. At some point once I find a job and have free time again I will be able to do full travel journals. Right now, though, I'm consumed with trying to find a new job ASAP.

Travel photos of the day

Koko Head Crater Hike, Honolulu, Hawaii, May 2014

I was in Honolulu for work (sweet location for work I know!). I always feel the push to do something new, challenging, difficult, scary, thrilling, or just plain 'new' for new's sake. I told someone earlier this year that one of my hobbies is "doing new things". I thought it was obvious what I meant, but she didn't understand. The philosophy means that I do one new thing every single day of my life. Sometimes I do two new things on one day and none the next, but that still counts as long as there is one new thing per day of the year. I keep a list of the New Thing of the Day.

On this particular Saturday I chose to test my limits. After reading Yelp and TripAdvisor reviews about this hike I started to get a little worried that I couldn't make it! Everyone described it as a "death hike", "painful", "masochistic", and said that anyone with physical problems should not "attempt" this hike?? Even the fact that there was the possibility of not making it through the whole hike meant it was scary! I was mostly concerned about my knee giving out as I've been having problems with my right knee. And there was certainly no easy way down if you got injured at the top...you'd probably have to hobble down yourself as that would be the fastest way to get out of there.

Looks pretty, eh? I climbed to the top of that 1,200 foot crater. 

I drove to the trail head with my iPhone flashlight at 4:30 a.m. I had heard that it was hard to find the trail head because you had to walk a long while in order to get there. It was true. I parked in some parking lot and luckily I saw some other cars there. I kind of stalked a group of guys who sounded like native Hawaiians because I figured they must know where the trail head was if they were natives. They were talking about girls and other topics so I deduced that they must have been here before if they weren't pondering which way to go, so I continued following them in the pitch blackness.

After about a five-minute walk we reached the START of the trail. I think it's probably a good thing that I couldn't see very well because looking up the hill would have been daunting. It was about 4:45 when I started up the trail.

Here is the view from the starting location. (I couldn't take any pictures when I was climbing up because it was totally black at that time, so I took this after I had come back down and was looking up at what I had just accomplished).

View at the top overlooking Hanauma Bay

View coming down -- that ridge you see in the stairs is basically a near-vertical drop. Not easy to climb down after climbing up that mountain!

On the way back to my car after feeling really accomplished and proud that I made it through the hike without a medivac, I got really sad because I saw a poster for a missing dog near the trail head. It had a picture of a small dog and said that the dog was last seen on the trail. So sad. I wonder what happened to it...did it fall off a cliff? How would the owner not notice that?

In the end I climbed 1,048 steps to the top and 1,048 going back down. Ouch! I couldn't walk for 4 days because my legs were so torn up...I hobbled around like an old lady. I would do it again in a heartbeat. But next time I would stretch first, take at LEAST 32 oz. of water (I only took 8 oz. and was totally dehydrated), and do it on a day when you have enough time to enjoy the view. I spent 30 minutes up top but had to head down to go to a work event. Make sure you have time to see the sun touch everything in your view!

Quick highlights because I need to start studying for my interview.

• I started a Marvel.com account. I'm reading the Uncanny X-Men comics starting with issue #1, first published in 1963. I can't believe the series has gone on that long! I always wanted to read comics but as a girl, you're not really exposed to that growing up and you have to go WAY out of your way to see out that kind of stuff. I didn't have that access readily available, but now I do! I love it so far. 
• I am going to be Jean Grey (Dark Phoenix) at a costume party soon. Last year I was the Green Lantern. I plan to be Daenerys Targaryen sometime as well. This weekend I commissioned a gold dragon egg to be made for that future costume :). I plan to be some characters from Battlestar Galactica, Skyrim, and Emma Frost in the near future too. I love cosplay!

Last night I fell asleep thinking about the answer to the question, "What would you do if you inherited $100,000 right now?" My answer: Pay off my remaining $42,000 in student loans, put $25,000 into starting a retirement account, stash $5,000 for traveling in the next two years, stash $3,000 in my emergency savings fund, and put $25,000 toward down payment for a condo. It was nice to think about being able to get out of the situation I'm in. I usually dream about that as a I go to sleep. Getting out of this job and apartment and into a nice apartment in a bigger city in a bigger company with a healthy building.

I'm getting nervous for my interview. Mostly because I so desperately need to get out of this job that I am scared of it not working out. I NEED to get out of this physical environment ASAP. It's not like I just desire a new job, I need one physically.

TGIF

Yesterday was better. I had better interactions. I think everyone put on a more pleasant face intentionally and tried to be civil because I think we were all at the end of our ropes on Wednesday. It was better. I'm going to try to avoid people today and catch up on projects I need to catch up on.

This weekend I need to plan what to do for 4th of July with J. We had originally planned to go camping at Crater Lake for the weekend so I'll see if we can still do that.

I need to do a ton of studying for the interview. All weekend. So I probably won't do anything else. I need to kickstart myself into study and job search mode.

I started writing a little in my book again last night after talking to L. I hadn't written in it since January! It was fun. I have a whole world in my head I've created and I've laid out the chapters and volumes so that I can write about different parts when I want to (I'm not writing it in order from page 1 to end). I've written a couple chapters introducing two of the main characters. Now I think I'll write a chapter on the evil villains so that I can have a good idea how to write the book. My plan is to write a LOT about anything I can think of to include and then I'll go back through and shorten it into a reasonable book. Right now I just want to be creative and write about my ideas so I can get a full outline of a story. I'll worry about actual "book writing" later. It is a lot of fun. :)

Mornings

Things are always better in the morning. I always prefer to work in the mornings so that I have energy, a fresh slate, and a clear(er) mind. I still have horrible anxiety and anger thinking about all the interactions I've had with people, the incivility, the name-calling, storming out of rooms, and what crap I have to look forward to today.

Up until about two days ago I was able to maintain a positive, cheerful attitude at work even when interacting with mopey, gruff, immature idiots. Rather than get dragged down and have a bad attitude too (which would be warranted given what's going on there...) I made a conscious decision last year to just act as I would if I were living my ideal life. Act happy. It's not really an "act" though, I'm just letting myself be happy and choosing to express that at work, rather than letting myself be unhappy and being mopey and rude like the others.

I love the mornings. I've been trying to get up regularly at 5 a.m. so that I can work for a few hours before work. That plan hasn't worked too well since I finished my PhD because I expended SUCH a high degree of energy trying to finish that thing that I didn't have any resources left. I'm proud of myself for getting up at ~5:30 a.m. this week to do stuff before work. I've done some studying for my first interview, did some budgeting, read some stuff for mental health prep before I head into hell (work). I need to work on going to bed earlier and getting up at 5 a.m. That's my goal for tomorrow and Friday.

Today I plan to go into work as cheery as usual. I am going to be stern and protect myself when people ask for help, and say, "Google is your friend. Use it." Or something like that. I will work on the projects I haven't gotten to work on in weeks due to the lawsuit. I will look forward to the future rather than let myself get bogged down ruminating about how awful the situation is. It really is a horrible situation, but I can't afford to let it affect me because I need to be in a good place when I start interviewing. I haven't had an issue with any of this stuff I'm talking about until about two days ago when I reached the end of my rope.

Normally I don't have to do self-talk in order to be positive, but seriously you wouldn't believe how bad things are...I will do a summary later with examples of the types of things going on. I heard someone call me an "overachiever" a couple days ago (lol). Someone also saw the two awards in my office that I've received within 14 months of working there, and she said, "You're so spoiled!" And she didn't mean it in a good way...she resents that I get treated so well by the higher-ups. That's just an example of what I go through.

Luckily the names I'm being called are totally tame and really aren't negative things compared to what other people are being called. But still, it makes me feel bad when people aren't even happy for my awards and what I have done -- instead, seeing my awards makes them resent management for not giving them an award and makes them see me as "privileged" and spoiled. Of course that detracts from how good I felt when getting the award. But I won't let it detract because you know what? Now I have two awards on my resume to show for my work here, which only looks good for me. And the only people I care about impressing are the two people I'm going to ask for recommendations when I get a new job. I just need to work on impressing them and managing my impression so that they see how awesome I am (and can tell the interviewers that).

Struggling

I am having a REALLY hard time. I came home the angriest I've ever been in my life. I have never experienced that level of anger, and this has lasted a few weeks now. I have never been this angry or angry for this long. I am beyond furious most of every day. It is to the point where I have no clue how to even handle such emotions besides yelling at people and storming out of the ofice.

I'm not talking about regular frustration here...I'm talking about half our the office is in a frenzy due to the lawsuit, and the other half is normal/complacent because they're not doing any work toward the lawsuit. One of the most frustrating things is that the REASON that half isn't doing anything is because the half that I'm on is doing their work for them! I have nearly gotten in about 10 arguments today. There are sooooo many horrible things going on that it is BEYOND A toxic environment. Maybe when I calm down I can describe it, but I don't want to get worked up again.

I came home so angry I was crying out of frustration and wondering what I could break in my apartment. I ended up talking to J which helped reframe me...somewhat. You can't "reframe" out of this situation...the only way is to actually get out of the situation by leaving. Even when I leave, I still carry this anger and memory of all the SHITTY and rude things that happened at work that day. The amount of incivility and rudeness is unprecedented, on top of the crazy workload. I have now spent 7 of the last 8 days doing stuff for the lawsuit (and about 7.5 of those days were spent helping other people do their work).

Tomorrow I'm stepping out. If people ask me for help, I'm going to tell them to Google it and learn for themselves. I'm done helping. Especially when I spent all that time helping people do their responsibilities and they didn't even REALIZE that I was helping them! That's how oblivious they are...they were directly assigned a task by our boss and they haven't even said thank you once for 60 hours of work, or taken ANY ownership or leadership. I am so angry about this I don't even know if I can maintain my composure when confronting them about it, so I haven't said anything.

Tomorrow I have to say something to make it clear that they aren't doing their jobs. This is so stressful because I really needed to finish some projects so I could talk about them at interviews, but I have had ZERO time to do that in almost 2 weeks because I've been helping dumb people do their jobs. I'm also stressed because beyond the shittiness of this situation which is bad enough alone, the anger and pure insane frustration I feel all day is just making me feel bad about myself (not exactly "building me up" to prepare for selling myself in an interview next week).

I will stop helping people tomorrow morning. I will work hard on finishing the projects I want to finish for my interviews. I will practice for my interview. I will think about all the good things I have to offer to my next company, and ignore any bad feelings from the idiots who work here. You wouldn't believe the people's behavior here...management and non-management. One person got formally written up for sighing in front of a visitor. Another person's manager got scolded for being 4 minutes late to work. Another doesn't say goodnight when she leaves. Another told me I had a permanent scowl on my face for the last week (which is beyond hypocritical because this is a guy whose picture is next to 'gruff' in the dictionary and has a horrible attitude beyond all belief).

I have to tell myself that these people work here because they couldn't get jobs anywhere else. After my experience, I believe that is totally true.

I feel hopeless about finding a new job. The job market is so slim, few openings for what I do, and hiring takes so long that I feel like even a best case scenario would take a month at minimum before I could leave. I feel trapped. This was supposed to be a temporary job while I finished my PhD, and now that goal has been accomplished. I have had so many problems here from getting sick from air quality to rampant incivility...how can I get out?

Decisions Decisions

Was so tired I checked my work calendar in bed to see if I could call in sick today.

I am so sick of my idiot neighbors slamming their door. I guess it has no doorstop so it falls close and shakes my house every time they let it shut. It makes me jump every time. I have spoken to the manager and emailed them over the last month, but they've done nothing. I asked them to put weather stripping in because clearly the people living there aren't considerate enough to not slam the door closed ten times a night. You know how people slam a door when they're mad? That's how it is. It makes me want to get the hell out of this apartment...but I can't get a job any faster just because I WANT a job faster!

I talked to J for a while about whether we should expand our job search internationally. I think it would be fun to work in Europe for a while. He thinks he would most likely find jobs in China, Australia, or New York. I am considering it. I would rather work in China than Michigan or the center of the country. It would give me a chance to travel.

Jobs for my particular field and experience level only open up about once every 1-2 months. So it's hard to get motivated about getting out of here when the chances seem so low. I decided that for the next week I'm going to focus on studying for the interview and looking for job openings at places I'm really interested in. After that, I can make a decision about expanding my search and other decisions.

Argh

I am really revved up right now, and not in a good way. I am bursting with frustration and anger. I have spent the last 45 hours (out of the last 48 hours of work) at work doing nothing but pull files for this lawsuit. It wouldn't be so stressful except for:

• The fact that the 45 hours were spent on helping other people for this same project. This means that I haven't even been able to do my OWN part of this because I'm doing things that other leaders should be taking responsibility for!!! I have attempted 7 or 8 times now to "pass off" their own tasks back to them, but they are just not getting it. How many times can I say, "Okay I'm stepping out of this, here is YOUR spreadsheet that I put together"?? Then an hour later they send me information to put into their spreadsheet...YOU MEAN THE ONE I JUST GAVE BACK TO YOU BECAUSE IT'S YOUR RESPONSIBILITY?

• The fact that the 45 hours were spent helping dumb people do things they should learn on their own. For example, LEARN HOW TO PUT A FUCKING FILTER ON EXCEL!!!! LEARN CTRL+TAB!!! Omg...

• The fact that I need to work overtime because I NEED to get these projects done at work. I can't tell people at work this, but I need to get my projects done so that I can have a better resume and more fodder for interviews. So now I have to work overtime to get my regular shit done because I'm spending so much time on this damn request that is now due in 3 weeks.

I'm also pissed off because the secretary who sits next to me never says "goodnight" to me when she leaves. She walks RIGHT by my desk and always leaves at 5...yet never a goodbye. So fucking rude.

I have plenty of other things I could vent about, but honestly I need to use my time on wiser things like job search and interview preparation. I'm feeling out of it and having a hard time getting motivated to study and prepare for a new job. I have PLENTY of motivation that should be fueling my desire to get out quick. My desire is there. I just feel some hopelessness because the job market is rough. I really, really hope this first interview gets me a job...

Part of my hopelessness stems from not knowing where to start. I don't know where to start...in life. I finished a humongous chapter of my life six months ago and I still feel a little directionless. I have desires for where I want to go, but I am having a hard time getting there. Part of that was due to physical illness for 3 of those 6 months, part of it due to working too much overtime in March and April. Part of it this lawsuit. Part of it is that I don't have a clue where to start studying for interviews...I feel like I'm so far removed from research that I don't even know how to begin getting back into it in one week's time. Part of it is that this company I'm interviewing with is REALLY slow (I applied on April and am interviewing in July...) so I feel like even if my interview went well, I wouldn't be able to move for a few weeks after that at a minimum.

Here is my plan for the week:

1. Monday: Check most important job sites for job openings. Outline recruiting journal article. Outline of material that I want to study for next week's interview (e.g., their website).
2. Tuesday: Practice SPSS. Develop database. Read measurement book.
3. Wednesday: Practice SPSS. Develop database.
4. Thursday: Practice SPSS. Develop database.
5. Friday: Practice SPSS. Develop database. Skim whole research methods book.
6. Saturday: Practice answering behavioral interview questions.
7. Sunday: Practice answering behavioral interview questions. Read about company. Print new resume.

Summer

Hello!

As of April 27, 2014 I'd lost 15 pounds. As of June 18, 2014 I've lost 26. Geez! I'm hovering around 139 right now, hopefully will get to 135. I've been working a lot lately so it has been hard to manage my crazy specialized diet.

Work is insane. Legal issues that are insane.

This morning I was checking progress on my 2014 new year's resolutions:

• Get to 145 pounds. Status = met that and exceeded it, down to 139.
• Play fantasie impromptu. Status = I can play 3 out of 9 pages.
• Get a new job. Status = I have my first interview soon. Not a lot of jobs are open, but I'm in full applying mode now just watching and waiting for jobs to open up here.
• Go on 12 vacations. Status = 2 vacations, San Juan Islands and Kauai.

I've been having difficulty at work. I'm afraid to talk about it here so I won't. It is a legally precarious situation that is causing me/us a lot of stress.

Hawaii was amazing. The money I shelled out on the penthouse on Kauai was definitely worth it. Comfort and award-winning views.

Here is a view from the dining room table

Here's one of our views from the lanai

Our sail/snorkel cruise along the Na Pali North Shore coast:

I felt so relaxed and happy after being there for a week and a half. The day before we had to come home I started to remember work situations and the anxiety hit my stomach like ghost peppers. It was clear to me what effect this job is having on me. 

Don't get me wrong about the anxiety -- there is a lot of great stuff here. This town is beautiful, the work is exactly what I want to do (minus the legal stuff which I have now spent over 100 hours on...), and I like a ton of the people I work with. It's other things that are forcing me to leave. One reason is that I want to settle down in a bigger city. Other reasons are more important and scary, which is why I'm forced to leave.

I have a list of projects that I want to accomplish before I leave so that I can put them on my resume and use them in the future. This job is amazing in terms of being able to do what I want...it's almost ideal in many ways. I can work on so much stuff and have control over what I work on. I'm trying to work hard on getting those projects accomplished and am starting to make progress -- I have nearly completed 2 of the 6 projects I wanted to push through before I leave.

I'm also excited about traveling. I am currently planning out these trips over the next two years:

2014

• Oregon coast (summer, weekend)
• San Juan Island (summer, weekend)
• Olympic National Forest (summer, weekend)
• Crater Lake (summer, weekend)
• Pacific Crest Trail portion (summer, weekend)

2015

• Mexico (winter, 1 week)
• Philadelphia (week spring, .5 week)
• Ireland/Scotland (summer, 3 weeks)

It's ambitious. That's why I'm planning now so that I can see how much I need to save up. I also am wanting to do this now so that if I get a job soon I can try to bargain in a long trip. For example, when they hire me I could say, "I have previously booked a 3-week vacation next summer -- is that going to be okay?" I'm hoping J can do the same and we can spend 3 weeks over in Ireland and Scotland. 

I feel like right now I could really use an "awakening" trip to get back in touch with myself. Like hiking the whole Pacific Crest Trail, quitting my job and camping for a few months, traveling a foreign country for a couple months, something like that. I decided that I can't do that right now (even though the "live life!" side of me wants to drop everything and do that) because the job market is tough. There are so few job openings here that I don't feel confident I could quit without having a new job. Therefore, I decided I'm going to try to fit in regular traveling while continuing to have a normal working life:

• 1 week tropical vacation every winter
• 2 weeks foreign travel every summer
• Every 3-day holiday weekend should be a local weekend trip

I'm also hoping to work for a global company so that MAYBE someday I could get permission to work from a foreign office for a period of time. I'm visualizing working in London for a summer or something. Especially if I decide to have kids (that is increasingly becoming a really big "if") it would be awesome to live somewhere else during the summer so they can experience other life. Seems like a lot of places on earth aren't really good for traveling right now (Africa, Central America, Middle East, Russia, China), so I'm trying to focus my travel on safer countries for the time being. I've decided that I want to allot a significant portion of my annual budget to travel...maybe $10,000. Maybe less. I dunno. I also need to start a retirement account and pay off huge student loans though...lol.

The ideal life I'm working toward right now is acquiring skills and experience at work, getting a job in Seattle, setting up a garden, and starting to travel and do hobbies again. See friends. I'm getting there. I've made a ton of progress in changing my life in the last year. A ton. Dropped 26 pounds, gained a PhD, another year of relevant work experience, mental health is much improved since the PhD, and I've started to get back to myself. Playing the piano multiple days a week, working out multiple days a week, traveling more, it's all getting me back to myself.

Unknown

It has been a rough month. I've had a lot of pain and mental anguish.

I felt like I was enjoying work because I was finally working with someone I enjoyed working with. Then when that project ended, I felt like I lost a friend at work. We are totally different people so we don't really talk now, so I feel like I lost the only thing that was making work fun for the last few months.

I'm having a lot of anxiety over the last few days. It's because I have an upcoming conference and trip. I'm not sure why they are making me anxious, other than the fact that I am nervous about seeing people from my past (whom I don't want to see).

There are some people I want to see and I hope I can meet up with them for a bit. But most of the time, I'm just going to be doing stuff on my own and going to conference sessions. Then J is meeting up with me after the conference and we're going on vacation.

I feel anxious partly because I'm flying (I don't like it). Partly because I haven't done much planning so I feel unprepared. And a big part because I have a lot of projects at work that I need to move forward -- so I don't feel like I can take a full vacation, like I originally intended this trip to be. This was going to be my PhD reward trip and I was going to do NOTHING. Now, I feel pressure to work on projects so that I can finish them, get them on my resume, and get a new job SOON.

I obviously just need to balance work with relaxation on the trip, even though I don't like the thought of that. But I REALLY want to get a new job so finishing these additional projects and increasing my hirability is very valuable to me right now. I'm going to try to do a lot of the work during my conference days so that I can take more of a full vacation after the conference ends.

I used to love traveling. Now, I feel ambivalent about it...even anxious. That is so unlike me for the past 30 years. I use to get GOOD anxious before a trip -- I couldn't wait to go. Now I'm just afraid. I know why. Beyond all the factors mentioned above, it's that I have yet to rebuild my life and I fear coming back from vacation to nothingness.

So I'm quite aware of what is causing the anxiety, but it's hard to fix. I came up with a strategy for work so that I front-load the work during the conference portion of my trip. Then I will just do about 30-60 minutes of technical interview studying a day and real work while I'm on vacation...no more than that. I can do it in the morning. The rest of the time I need to make this trip what I intended it to be -- my PhD present to myself.

I hope this anxiety goes away.

*********

I also wanted to start feeling good about myself again even though I'm surrounded by things that don't help that goal. I want to be me again. I want to like myself again. I will start writing about the things I like about myself. What do they call that, a self-esteem journal?

(1) I like that I have had the commitment and strength to lose 22 pounds so far in 2014 (I wasn't even overweight to begin with, so that is even more impressive because it gets harder to lose weight when you're closer to your ideal weight). I started out with a BMI of 24.5, just under the top range of 18.5-24.9 range for normal weight. Now, my BMI is 21.5 -- right in the middle of normal weight range. 125 is underweight range for my height. My goal is about 135-140 (140 if I have a lot of muscle, 135 if I'm sedentary). This is actually the thinnest I have been since I was 13 years old - 5'9" and 135 pounds. I am proud of myself for accomplishing that weight loss and being more active.

(2) I like that I can appreciate the little things in life. After living with John I have noticed how much of this trait I have. I frequently tell him to look at our view and enjoy it. Me, on the other hand, I probably look at our view 20 minutes a day as I'm going about my business -- not including when I deliberately sit there to enjoy the view. I enjoy eating my food and trying new things. I enjoy seeing animals.

(3) I like that I can analyze a situation and think about the bigger picture. At work I think at a strategic level and have independently come up with projects on my own, because I think they will meet a business need.

It was surprisingly hard to come up with three things. That is how much I'm struggling right now. A lot of the reason is because my qualities are totally not appreciated in the environment I work in, and that just crushes your self-esteem. I try to remind myself that this culture is unique, but it's just impossible to give in after a while. That's why I'm so desperate to get out of here. I don't want to get sucked down further and lose all hope of self-esteem, confidence, happiness, enjoyment of work.

Fantastic Four(th Month)

I miss writing about my life. I feel like it keeps me in touch with myself. I intend to start writing again more frequently.

Updates:

• I lost 15 pounds (possibly 17-18, but I don't know if I trust this new scale that we got)
• I got my PhD diploma a couple months ago
• I am just starting to apply for jobs again, and I feel like I'm in a much better place now
• My tropical trip is totally booked, minus the fun events and adventures that we need to sign up for
• We went to the Washington State Fair a couple weekends ago. We rode a monster truck, watched "dock dogs" compete in a jumping competition, went to an animal exhibit, and did other fun stuff. He got donuts that he claimed are the best he can remember having (he's a donut fiend).
• I am trying to seriously work on my sleep. I slept about 9.5 hours Friday, but got up at 5 this morning after just about 4.5 hours of sleep (had a HORRIBLE nightmare about work). Seems like any progress I make on sleep (9.5 hours on Friday) is just totally negated the next day (4.5 hours of sleep). My goal is 9 hours per night, although 8 hours on average would be a tremendous achievement.
• I have a costume planned for this year's festivals - I'm paying someone to hand-craft it because I don't have time. Next year though, I'm going to hand-make this one I really like. I just am not ready for a big project like that right now.

I'm excited about getting a new job and living in a big city. There aren't a whole lot of jobs open for my field in this geographic location right now, so I decided to change my game plan. I made a list of actual companies where I would like to work because they have good cultures, good work-life balance, and they are in the area. 

I want to find somewhere I can stay for at least 3-5 years, because my resume has no indication of longevity -- I only stayed at my last 3 jobs for 1 year 2 months, 1 year 6 months, and now 1 year 2 months at this job. I need a longer stint, which means I need to find a place I am happy at. I made a list of 25 companies that I plan to watch and apply for any new job opening. There are currently 2 semi-related job openings that I'll be applying to today. They are jobs that are related to skills I have, but aren't directly in my field. 

My plan, because of the lack of current "perfectly relevant" job openings, is:

• To get an "in" with a company I like and work there until a job opens up in my field. I expect it will be easier to transfer to a position internally than externally, partially because if I start working there now I'll have the advantage of having direct experience with that company.
• As far as timeline, I've just really started my job search this weekend. I am about halfway done revising my resume. 
• I need to really start studying topics in my field so that I can start preparing for technical interviews (which is the most stressful part of interviewing). 
• I have also come up with a plan to fast-track some projects at my current job so that I can finish them and put those on my resume. I plan to put in some extra hours to get this done because there isn't enough time at work to get additional projects done. 
• Also, I really need to start working on getting 3 strong references. To do this, I plan to ask my current supervisor and the coworker I work with a lot at work (he's basically the VP of my division, so I think he would be good). I feel like I'm on shaky terms with my supervisor, so I need to work on that area the most. This is another reason I want to fast-track a few extra projects on my spare time, so that I can impress him and show a lot of accomplishments over the next month before I announce that I'm leaving.
• I plan to study for technical interviews over the month of May and start applying to jobs now whenever I see them. The tricky part is that I'll be on vacation for 2 weeks in May, so I may need to do some studying for interviews while I'm there. I'm thinking a minor amount, maybe 30 minutes a day (which equals about 1 journal article). Then when I come back, start studying more often. 
• My ideal plan is to study for interviews, prepare myself, and apply to jobs throughout the month of May, and hopefully get interviews in June. I hope to start a new job in July.

I'll update the trip pictures when I can -- J has to finish formatting them in his special program before he'll let me get final copies of them. Off to grocery shop, go on a nature education program, and do some job prep work!

Spring

I feel like I'm about to start getting back to life. I have lost 10 pounds. I've been working out 3-4 days a week for the last month. I've been working like crazy for the annual project going on at work right now, but hopefully that will calm down soon.

Went to the park last Friday with J, sat there and watched Mount Rainier, the Sound, and the mountains for a while. It was beautiful. On Sunday we went to the lake downtown and then walked down the port until we found a restaurant. I had blackened salmon and it was really good. I've been eating fish and eggs again, due to the allergies. Some salmon doesn't gross me out -- I've figured out ways to make it taste acceptable so that it doesn't really bother me too much anymore. We plan to go to a concert next weekend.

It was a great weekend, hanging out with him. It was just great. Things are pretty stressful at work, but I'm trying to just continue acting how I would normally act and forget all the bad attitudes and unprofessional behavior and just keep acting like how I would act. I don't know why people are so unhappy or rude, but at least I can control how I act.

I have only recently felt ready to "move on" with my new life. I have felt physically better in the last month, even given the incredible decline in sleep (the last couple months of sleep have been worse than when I was defending my PhD). I have been proud of myself for maintaining my health, my basic lifestyle, trying to learn at work, keeping a positive attitude at work in the midst of unpositive attitudes, and for trying to move forward and grow into a new person with a new life. I am proud of myself for how well I've kept it together.

Hawaii trip coming up this year, hopefully some more local trips too. I'm looking forward to doing some traveling with J.

The Fourth Decade

What is my fourth decade in life like so far?

• Got a PhD
• Living with the person I love more than anything
• A well-paying job that's exactly the work I want to be doing
• A beautiful view from our apartment of the Cascade Mountain Range, the Olympic Mountain Range, Puget Sound, the Capitol, and a partial view of Mount Rainier
• The nicest penthouse on Kauai will be ours for 8 days, along with a photo shoot on the beach
• A salary and the ability to start paying off my debts
• Lots of crime shows
• Lots of playing Fantasie Impromptu, nocturnes, Debussy, and Michael Nyman on the piano
• Totally new style of eating
• A fiction book in the works

What's next for this year?

• Learning the banjo
• Hiking and camping
• Costume parties
• Getting back in shape
• Cleaning my belongings
• Crater Lake
• Cannon Beach
• Vancouver BC
• San Juan Islands
• A new job in Seattle?
• A condo in Seattle?
• Finishing my fiction book and self-publishing
• Submitting 2-4 journal articles
• Getting my certification
• Friends
• Getting married
• Possibly planning for kids
• Possibly getting a dog

Orcas Island

J and I went to Orcas Island last month. The iPhone pictures don't do it justice. The beach below was so blue and beautiful. We rented a car and drove around nearly the whole island. We spent the rest of our time sitting in our room staring at the sound. It was a great getaway. I was really, really sad to leave. We got a good deal with a Groupon and ended up getting about $50-75 in free food throughout the weekend, plus a good view. 

Our favorite beach on Orcas Island

Sitting on our bed, this was the view

Sitting on the deck you can see the ferry landing

After we went there I got my heart set on buying a house there. I hope we can have a vacation home there that we can visit really often.

When the pantry door closes, another one opens

Things are going better. I have barely been sick since I jumped into the allergy-free diet. I have felt SO much better. I've only made a couple mistakes, but so far I've been really consistently not sick.

It's amazing what you take for granted...food was my LIFE over the past few years...it was the only thing I could control when my life was out of control and I felt helpless. There was always food to look forward to and it was something I had control over. The same week I finished graduate school, I developed that massive list of allergies. It was very frustrating to me that the same week that school ended and I should have been feeling great, I developed that list of allergies.

In a way, perhaps it was my body's way of saying that I am living a new life now. I don't NEED food anymore. I have control over so many other things now that I didn't for the past few years. I finally have a life. It's a pretty sick lesson in many ways, to finally make it through a PhD and literally the day after you finish school you become allergic to nearly everything on earth.

I've always been an avid food label-reader, but you really have no clue the nature of what I'm going through unless you really start looking to avoid CORN, SOY, WHEAT, BARLEY, RYE, ALMONDS, ONION, CARROT, PEA, SESAME SEED, FLAXSEED. Those alone are in nearly everything. Just take a look sometime when you're shopping and try to find foods without ANY byproduct of foods from that list alone, let alone all the other stuff on my list. Plus, I used to also avoid dairy and meat, and mostly ate organic food. Yeah...it's just too much to handle now with all those restrictions.

I won't lie that the first couple times I went grocery shopping, I cried right there in the store, looking at everything I could not have. I felt hopeless that there was basically nothing I would be able to eat. But I did find a couple things, including exactly one brand of pizza...which just happens to be amazingly good :)

I believe that maybe this door closed so that another door could open. Of course, you can never see the door that has opened right away...that's why the saying works. You're so busy looking at the door that's closed that you fail to look down the hall at the open door. Well, I spent a good 1-2 months looking at the closed door. That is, until I went in and got allergy testing and figured out what was making me sick. I'm SO glad I got tested. I will say that having to avoid all those foods has forced me to totally redo my diet. I'm talking TOTALLY. Most of the things I am allergic to were things I ate my whole life, nearly every day, and I loved them dearly...and they never made me sick. Here are the cornerstones of my new diet that I've had to adopt over the past month -- I eat most of those every day, as there is not much else out there besides this list:

• Coconut (shredded, milk, oil, ice cream)
• Juice (cranberry, papaya, cherry)
• Yogurt (whole/plain, chia seeds, banana, and this hemp/buckwheat/chia granola)
• Eggs
• Rice (rice bran, rice, rice pasta, rice pudding, rice crackers, rice bread)
• Millet (I think this is what I used to feed my parakeet...)
• Salad (spinach, avocado, pecans, olive oil, balsamic vinegar, pear, tomato, cherry tomatoes, strawberries, cranberries, raisins, parmesan)
• Plantains
• Potatoes, sweet potatoes
• Beans (black, pinto)
• Potato chips
• Guacamole
• Apples
• Cheese
• Chocolate
• Dried fruit (apricots, mangoes, pineapple)
• Kiwi
• Vegetable chips (sweet potato, beet, etc.)
• Broccoli
• Tapioca

That's pretty much it. There are other little things like ginger, gingerbread cookies, buckwheat crackers, a few other treats I've found. I'm mostly concerned that if I just stick to this list, I'm going to become allergic to those foods too, and then I'll really be screwed!! Soon I'll be left with just water and fish...hey, isn't that Gollum's diet? Hmmm...lol

I met with a nutritionist last week. It wasn't very helpful, but it did encourage me to think about trying to restore my immune system and treat my allergies. I need to try to fix my body and she got me thinking about a diet that claims it can help with that. I'm definitely going to look into it, but I'm not convinced. However, I believe that I can get better because in grad school I developed an allergy to almonds and I stopped eating them for 2-3 years...then I gradually reintroduced almonds to my diet, and voila -- I was eating handfuls of nuts every day for years. Until November 2013.

I'm eating pretty well, considering. My fat and sugar intake are too high (because many of the treats I can have are sugary and coconut stuff has lots of fat), so I'm working on shifting things around. I worked out 2 days this weekend :).

Quick rant on food stuff... :)

I have decided to eat eggs again regularly, which has never been a huge deal to me because I believe life begins at birth (but that's just my view), so to me I'm not eating "meat" when I'm eating eggs. :) I've decided to loosen up on salmon too, so hopefully I can start eating that more often. I have difficulty with fish, but I refuse to eat animals unless things get dire. FYI I think people make a lot of assumptions about vegetarians and vegans. My refusal to eat animals is only partially based on not liking the idea of eating animals. It is primarily based on the gross negligence, money, waste, resources, and horrible effects that have come from growing animals for food (watch any of the documentaries on this topic).

The carbon footprint is huge, let alone the fact that people who support those types of mass-producers are allowing them to alter our bacteria structure. So now I am vulnerable to resistant bacteria because some farmers feed their cows shitty stuff and it changes the bacteria. The point is, THAT is what bothers me, not so much the gross-ness of eating an animal (which is partly there). I take similar issue with mass producing other types of food and altering our food structure (GMOs), so it's not like animals are my one and only thing. I am anti-engineering our environment just for our ease and benefit. But that's a story for another day :). I buy local, organic, and non-GMO as much as I can. Once I get a garden, I'm going to do a lot more growing. I think I grew and ate about 5% of my food in 2012 (I had a garden with someone). I hope to increase that to 10-20% this year or next. Fewer trucks to transport food, less crappy unripe food in the market. "Less crappy unripe food" -- that's a good motto for a store eh.

New year

Been a long time! It has been a crazy couple months since school ended. Found out I'm allergic to a HUGE amount of things. 26 out of the 60 items they tested, actually.

Barley

Corn

Oat

Rye

Wheat

Sesame seed

Peanut

Soybean

Green pea

Almond

Black walnut

Cashew

Hazelnut/Filbert

Pistachio

Cabbage

Cantaoupe

Carrot

Cucumber

Mushroom

Onion

Green pepper

Squash, yellow

String bean

Navy beans

Flaxseed

Hops

Yeah. I have no clue what to do. Well, actually I do. I can't be vegan anymore. I finally got sick of being sick so I went to the store and bought everything in the store that didn't have these items. I felt GREAT for the last 3 days since I started the new diet.

Been thinking about a new job. Not a whole lot open that I'm interested in and qualified for, but it looks like I'll be qualified for some soon. Seems like a lot of openings still require 5 years of experience. What's up with that? When do they hire the entry-level people? I've been targeting certain projects at work so that I can finish them and put them on my resume for a job search in a couple months. I'm hoping I can get a new job in the summer. I'm hoping to get a job in Seattle and move there late this summer. 

I just need to work as hard as I can now and get ready for applying. I might try to get my certification in May so that I'll have that too, plus it will force me to study the content in my field. I'm hoping to submit a couple publications from this job too, so I need to get moving on those so I can do it before I leave the job.

Going to bed now -- trying to get more sleep!