Unknown

It has been a rough month. I've had a lot of pain and mental anguish.

I felt like I was enjoying work because I was finally working with someone I enjoyed working with. Then when that project ended, I felt like I lost a friend at work. We are totally different people so we don't really talk now, so I feel like I lost the only thing that was making work fun for the last few months.

I'm having a lot of anxiety over the last few days. It's because I have an upcoming conference and trip. I'm not sure why they are making me anxious, other than the fact that I am nervous about seeing people from my past (whom I don't want to see).

There are some people I want to see and I hope I can meet up with them for a bit. But most of the time, I'm just going to be doing stuff on my own and going to conference sessions. Then J is meeting up with me after the conference and we're going on vacation.

I feel anxious partly because I'm flying (I don't like it). Partly because I haven't done much planning so I feel unprepared. And a big part because I have a lot of projects at work that I need to move forward -- so I don't feel like I can take a full vacation, like I originally intended this trip to be. This was going to be my PhD reward trip and I was going to do NOTHING. Now, I feel pressure to work on projects so that I can finish them, get them on my resume, and get a new job SOON.

I obviously just need to balance work with relaxation on the trip, even though I don't like the thought of that. But I REALLY want to get a new job so finishing these additional projects and increasing my hirability is very valuable to me right now. I'm going to try to do a lot of the work during my conference days so that I can take more of a full vacation after the conference ends.

I used to love traveling. Now, I feel ambivalent about it...even anxious. That is so unlike me for the past 30 years. I use to get GOOD anxious before a trip -- I couldn't wait to go. Now I'm just afraid. I know why. Beyond all the factors mentioned above, it's that I have yet to rebuild my life and I fear coming back from vacation to nothingness.

So I'm quite aware of what is causing the anxiety, but it's hard to fix. I came up with a strategy for work so that I front-load the work during the conference portion of my trip. Then I will just do about 30-60 minutes of technical interview studying a day and real work while I'm on vacation...no more than that. I can do it in the morning. The rest of the time I need to make this trip what I intended it to be -- my PhD present to myself.

I hope this anxiety goes away.

*********

I also wanted to start feeling good about myself again even though I'm surrounded by things that don't help that goal. I want to be me again. I want to like myself again. I will start writing about the things I like about myself. What do they call that, a self-esteem journal?

(1) I like that I have had the commitment and strength to lose 22 pounds so far in 2014 (I wasn't even overweight to begin with, so that is even more impressive because it gets harder to lose weight when you're closer to your ideal weight). I started out with a BMI of 24.5, just under the top range of 18.5-24.9 range for normal weight. Now, my BMI is 21.5 -- right in the middle of normal weight range. 125 is underweight range for my height. My goal is about 135-140 (140 if I have a lot of muscle, 135 if I'm sedentary). This is actually the thinnest I have been since I was 13 years old - 5'9" and 135 pounds. I am proud of myself for accomplishing that weight loss and being more active.

(2) I like that I can appreciate the little things in life. After living with John I have noticed how much of this trait I have. I frequently tell him to look at our view and enjoy it. Me, on the other hand, I probably look at our view 20 minutes a day as I'm going about my business -- not including when I deliberately sit there to enjoy the view. I enjoy eating my food and trying new things. I enjoy seeing animals.

(3) I like that I can analyze a situation and think about the bigger picture. At work I think at a strategic level and have independently come up with projects on my own, because I think they will meet a business need.

It was surprisingly hard to come up with three things. That is how much I'm struggling right now. A lot of the reason is because my qualities are totally not appreciated in the environment I work in, and that just crushes your self-esteem. I try to remind myself that this culture is unique, but it's just impossible to give in after a while. That's why I'm so desperate to get out of here. I don't want to get sucked down further and lose all hope of self-esteem, confidence, happiness, enjoyment of work.