Struggling

I am having a REALLY hard time. I came home the angriest I've ever been in my life. I have never experienced that level of anger, and this has lasted a few weeks now. I have never been this angry or angry for this long. I am beyond furious most of every day. It is to the point where I have no clue how to even handle such emotions besides yelling at people and storming out of the ofice.

I'm not talking about regular frustration here...I'm talking about half our the office is in a frenzy due to the lawsuit, and the other half is normal/complacent because they're not doing any work toward the lawsuit. One of the most frustrating things is that the REASON that half isn't doing anything is because the half that I'm on is doing their work for them! I have nearly gotten in about 10 arguments today. There are sooooo many horrible things going on that it is BEYOND A toxic environment. Maybe when I calm down I can describe it, but I don't want to get worked up again.

I came home so angry I was crying out of frustration and wondering what I could break in my apartment. I ended up talking to J which helped reframe me...somewhat. You can't "reframe" out of this situation...the only way is to actually get out of the situation by leaving. Even when I leave, I still carry this anger and memory of all the SHITTY and rude things that happened at work that day. The amount of incivility and rudeness is unprecedented, on top of the crazy workload. I have now spent 7 of the last 8 days doing stuff for the lawsuit (and about 7.5 of those days were spent helping other people do their work).

Tomorrow I'm stepping out. If people ask me for help, I'm going to tell them to Google it and learn for themselves. I'm done helping. Especially when I spent all that time helping people do their responsibilities and they didn't even REALIZE that I was helping them! That's how oblivious they are...they were directly assigned a task by our boss and they haven't even said thank you once for 60 hours of work, or taken ANY ownership or leadership. I am so angry about this I don't even know if I can maintain my composure when confronting them about it, so I haven't said anything.

Tomorrow I have to say something to make it clear that they aren't doing their jobs. This is so stressful because I really needed to finish some projects so I could talk about them at interviews, but I have had ZERO time to do that in almost 2 weeks because I've been helping dumb people do their jobs. I'm also stressed because beyond the shittiness of this situation which is bad enough alone, the anger and pure insane frustration I feel all day is just making me feel bad about myself (not exactly "building me up" to prepare for selling myself in an interview next week).

I will stop helping people tomorrow morning. I will work hard on finishing the projects I want to finish for my interviews. I will practice for my interview. I will think about all the good things I have to offer to my next company, and ignore any bad feelings from the idiots who work here. You wouldn't believe the people's behavior here...management and non-management. One person got formally written up for sighing in front of a visitor. Another person's manager got scolded for being 4 minutes late to work. Another doesn't say goodnight when she leaves. Another told me I had a permanent scowl on my face for the last week (which is beyond hypocritical because this is a guy whose picture is next to 'gruff' in the dictionary and has a horrible attitude beyond all belief).

I have to tell myself that these people work here because they couldn't get jobs anywhere else. After my experience, I believe that is totally true.

I feel hopeless about finding a new job. The job market is so slim, few openings for what I do, and hiring takes so long that I feel like even a best case scenario would take a month at minimum before I could leave. I feel trapped. This was supposed to be a temporary job while I finished my PhD, and now that goal has been accomplished. I have had so many problems here from getting sick from air quality to rampant incivility...how can I get out?