Last visit

Slept 2 hours on Tuesday and I made it to school city yesterday. I hope I can make it home tomorrow -- there is a big threat of storms across the U.S. and I don't really know how that will affect my flight. My flight is nonrefundable, but maybe if it's too windy to leave, I'll stay a couple more nights here and then fly back later this weekend. I'll worry about that tomorrow when this is over.

Last time I was here was 2010 for my proposal. I was a wreck having to return here. It was very traumatic and it had only been a year since I'd left. It was much less painful this time around, maybe because I know that it will be the very last time I will ever come back to this city -- EVER. I will never come back here. That thought is very powerful in protecting me against anything I'm feeling. It is somewhat painful to see all these places here and remember things (I'm staying across from the first apartment I had here 8 years ago, when I had just moved across the country with my bf at the time, whom I love dearly). There are some good memories too -- of the first few years when I had some fun, and of some great people I met here. But for the most part I'm being objective and shutting off my emotions like a Vulcan so that the bad stuff doesn't plague me.

I'm also in a much better place now in 2013 than I was in 2010. I have recovered in a lot of ways. I got in touch with myself again, I'm financially much better off now, I've gotten to remember that a world exists outside of graduate school (which is a huge mental issue that I had after being here for 4 years). After being here for 4 years with literally no money, no support from any family or friends I'd known before (across the country), pretty much no ability to travel or constantly do fun things I loved (due to the total lack of money and inability of my parents to even let me borrow any), and the feeling that nothing else existed (due to the remote and isolated nature of the school's geographical location), I felt that all of my life depended on the outcome of this degree. It's a very dangerous mental state to be in, as pretty much any graduate student who went to a similar school in this sort of environment could tell you. There are many times I wished I had chosen a school in a bigger city, so that I could have at the very least felt that a greater world besides us graduate students existed. I think that would have helped me a lot. Having any sort of money would have also helped a lot, as even going camping during the summer or visiting the lakes or doing local travel would have helped me retain a connection to the outside world -- but due to the geography, paying for gas, $30+ for camping, and more for other activities wasn't something I could afford. I'm so glad they paid us a stipend that covered our basic living costs though, otherwise I don't know what I would have done if I'd had to work during that time!

Rich kids have it easy, and they don't even know it. I mean, even I was richer than so many kids and I felt the effects of money at times. I can only imagine how difficult it could be for people living below the means I grew up with. I always felt lucky that I had the opportunities that I had growing up, and I will always be thankful for those times. I look back fondly on my childhood (not my family life, but the life that I led as a child on my own). I may not have had a family life, but I had opportunities that I really am grateful for and will always remember. Being able to train and show my own horse, camping out at the barn all summer, doing crew, a private high school, piano lessons, opportunity to travel to 7 countries before I even graduated high school, and a whole lot of other things. I had lots of chances and I will NEVER stop appreciating or thinking fondly on those things. Of course, that doesn't mean I would not have wished for a supportive family life as well, but you can't choose your family. Instead, I chose to be grateful for what I did have growing up, which were opportunities, friends, and learning independence at a very young age (maybe I had to learn too much of this due to my family situation and having to be independent in order to not be dependent on them, but I still value my independence very highly). Those are the experiences I loved. However, just to be clear, graduate school is a whole different chapter of my life. One that will be gone in just 24 hours!!!!!!!!!!!!! :-D

Also since my last trip to school city in 2010, I have been able to get back to doing many of the things I love, I've had 3 jobs that I got without finishing this degree, and I feel confident that I could find good jobs without finishing this degree. That was very much unlike how I felt in 2010 -- I felt like I HAD to finish this PhD to get a degree. I felt like I was a failure for getting "just a Masters" and that I would never be able to get a good job. I have since learned that I can still get good jobs with "just a Masters". I have also learned that it's easier to advance up the corporate ladder with a PhD, but I have ALSO learned that I don't WANT to advance up the corporate ladder. I want to be a technical expert, not a leader. I don't want to manage people for a living -- I want to investigate questions and work on projects, at least at this point in my life that's what I want to do. So for that reason I don't really care about moving up in business. I also know from experience doing many job searches for the past few years that often times you can substitute a Masters with 3-5 years of experience for a PhD with no experience. So I can still apply for many of the jobs that look interesting to me, but I'll just have to get a couple years more experience. I learned that even in the worst case if I didn't finish my degree, I could still get the jobs I wanted by working a few years. That was the biggest psychological change in reducing my anxiety about finishing/not finishing this degree. Previously, I had felt that I MUST get a PhD or I might as well be working at McDonald's. Well, that's not true, and now I know it. At this point, finishing is just a bonus in reputation and money for me.

I'm in one of the coffee shops in school city. It's really weird seeing all the students here. It kind of makes me want to go back to school for another Masters or something, and do it the "right" way after all that I have learned from my experience with this degree. If this degree doesn't turn out well, I would like to get a second Masters (in applied statistics? org development? HR? MBA?) to complement my area of study, as well as the PHR. That would mean my title would look something like this:

Jane Doe, M.A., M.S, PHR

I would prefer that it look like this, though:

Jane Doe, Ph.D., PHR

Either one looks reputable though. I miss being in school, something I've realized after being back in this town. I miss the studying and learning process. I would like to consider taking additional classes or something toward another Masters or some sort of degree or certificate in a related field, but I'm not going to think about that right now. Part of the reason I'm so stressed out right now is because of the particular experience I had finishing this degree -- not because of school in general. I love school. I just hate what happened to my life during this degree, I don't hate the field itself. So initially it might seem crazy to some people to hear me say I'm considering more school, but it only seems crazy to them because they don't know that my unhappiness related to this degree was mostly caused by extracurricular experiences on top of graduate school, not by the school itself (although I certainly have thoughts about that as well).

I miss school. Funny thing to say the day before your final defense, when I've literally been losing my mind (I say 'literally' in this because I believe I'm losing brain cells due to the stress and migraines, which I believe have been known to cause lesions or trauma to your brain!) and falling apart because of this thing. But again, most of the "falling apart" is due to balancing other life aspects on top of this and facing the trauma of graduate school again in the process of finishing. Most of the issues are indirectly related to the actual meeting.

Tomorrow morning I'll know the outcome of all this. Regardless of what happens, I think I'm going to treat myself to a nice dinner at a nice restaurant with a view before heading back home because it took a lot of courage just to get here and go through with all this. Most people never go through this experience, so I need to remember how much courage it really does take.