My main reason for writing today is to continue the open dialogue with myself that I have on this site. I feel that by writing "out loud", such as in an internet journal, that you have a more externally reflective voice than you would otherwise if you wrote in an offline and hard copy journal. I find the two experiences--online and offline journaling--to be distinct experiences. Writing by pen requires a lot more time and can be potentially take more than three times longer to write. I did a little sample and it took me 20 seconds to write one sentence, which would lead to an estimated 42 wpm if I were writing continuously. But of course you don't write continuously, you pause to think. Whereas an online journal lets you write about 110 words a minute. and you don't have to pause as much because if you are a fast typist because your typing can keep much better pace with the actual speeds of thoughts going through your head. You don't have to stop to process as much--you can just transcribe verbatim the ocean of thoughts in your head. You might only capture a small river of thoughts with an online journal, but with an offline journal you capture even less -- maybe just a stream's worth.
However, I find offline writing to be much more reflective and meaningful, partially due to the slow writing producing more conscious and well-thought out comments. In a way, it is a form of focused attention and meditation in that as you are writing you are thinking about that sentence and the next sentence, but nothing else. Then you pause and think about what to say next. You cannot proceed with the next sentence until you decide what to say. It focuses your thoughts and constrains your attention to your current consciousness. It slows you down.
Offline journaling is also a lot more personal because you can say whatever you want offline. In this journal, I know that people could potentially read it, so I refrain from saying many personal things. I intend to start writing offline again. I feel that writing in my journal throughout my entire life was a major source of strength and confidence for me before I quit doing it. I have felt out of touch with myself in the last few years due to recent life experiences, but perhaps also because I have stopped offline journaling. I switched to writing online journaling around 2005 when I started graduate school, mostly because of the need to be efficient and write quickly. I now believe that stopping the offline journal writing in 2005 was one of the major factors that contributed to my feeling out of touch with myself over the past few years. I will begin again.
I have been existing in limbo for the last week. I've done some errands, went to 7 doctor appointments in the last week, paid some bills, and things like that, but I haven't done much more. I have been working on making corrections to my final manuscript and also doing other administrative tasks required of graduation. I have been semi-productive, but not as much as I would like. I have gone on a couple walks (very proud for doing so when I didn't feel like moving). My sleep was good for ~4 days after my meeting, but has declined. Not quite sure the cause, but it probably has to do with me staying up late because I've been playing Skyrim. :)
Today is the final day to work on this draft. I told my advisor that I would send him the revised draft today. I made a list of 18 things that I needed to fix on this final draft before I could resubmit it to him. Many of them are just small fixes that the committee thought would improve the reader's understanding of particular points I was trying to make, but some of them are additions that require more than just a couple minutes of corrections. Four of the things were my suggestions based on things I noticed after rereading my draft over the past month and the rest are suggestions that the committee made during my meeting. Here are the 18 final changes that I need to make:
- 2 general changes (check for typos, fix confusing sentences)
- 5 fixes of errors (e.g., reformat table alignment, correct some citations)
- 6 clarifications to existing content (e.g., explain why excluded a subsample, explain what a high score on one variable means)
- 5 additions of new information (e.g., add paragraph of support for sampling method)
I have already finished 4 of the 18 changes. The majority of the rest of them will be quick fixes requiring 5-30 minutes to fix. A few of them, maybe four, are more intense and will probably require 1-2 hours each. Here is my plan for today:
- 6:30a - 4 out of 18 complete
- 10:30a - 11 out of 18 complete
- 12:00a - 13 out of 18 complete
- 2:00p - 16 out of 18 complete
- 4:00p - 18 out of 18 complete
- 5:00p - list of changes and final draft sent to advisor
- 7:00p - send 8 e-mails requesting permission to republish survey items in appendices
I know that the changes will make my paper better in the long run, but I'm so tired of working on this that I am annoyed by all of them (even though from an objective perspective I agree with them). I mean, I know that you need to fix typos, clarify confusing points, etc. before you publish it. I get that. I'm just so plain tired of working on this. Once I send this to my advisor today, I need to get to work requesting copyright permission (that I should have started requesting earlier), fixing the formatting of the paper according to guidelines, checking once again that my data are correct, checking for typos, and preparing the paper to publish. I will also have to make any final corrections that my advisor finds as he reads this last draft. If it goes well, he will just say, "I checked that you did all your revisions. I found a couple errors -- fix those errors and then submit the paper to be published, I don't need to see it again." That is usually what he says when I'm TRULY on my last draft. So, I will make any other changes (if any) that he founds from this draft, and prepare to submit the manuscript for publication by the end of the work week.
I am really trying to get the draft submitted and all paperwork completely finished by Friday evening. My trip to Portland got pushed to this weekend, so I hope to have everything totally finished and sent off before I have to see anyone this weekend. I have a hair appointment on Friday and am planning to have dinner with my family during the weekend, so I really want to say that I'm totally done by the time I see them. "It's all over." Those will be the words that I and everyone else who knows me have been waiting to hear since 2005. If I keep my act together this week, this chapter of my life will be totally done by the end of the work week. I only have a couple more days left. I really only have today left as far as hard work goes, because tomorrow and Friday will just be spent checking for typos, fixing formatting issues, and fixing the document for online publication along with the library's help. Those are relatively easy fixes to make.
On another note related to adventures (that's what this journal is about, right?) :-), I don't know what my trip plans are for this month. My friend can't go with me out of the country, so I'm reconsidering the trip to Mexico. I have been feeling so bad physically that I'm considering just staying at home and sleeping and playing video games until I have to start work again. I need a serious break from life for a while to rest and recover. I may just take a week to do nothing but sit on the couch, cook healthy foods, start going to the gym every morning, and catch up on sleep and life. I may go out of town for a while, but only locally or to California. Who knows. I'll figure it out this weekend after I'm done with my entire PhD and have a moment to myself.
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