I have recently been wondering if I'm losing my mind a little. I mean, I've always been a little "out there", but I like to think that so far it was the "out there" in the way that people like -- not the kind that requires hiring a full-time home nurse. But lately I've been having so many strange feelings and thoughts that I am starting to wonder...is this just a type of really, REALLY early onset dementia? Lol. In all honesty, the thoughts aren't anything really new to me, but I haven't had them for a while.
The best way to describe it is to pretend you are REALLY sleep-deprived and have those crazy thoughts pop in your head that sometimes sound like other people's voices. You know when you're falling asleep slowly and sometimes spend a little bit too much time in the delirium state, rather than popping right into a sleep state? Well, sometimes I feel that I'm living in that realm. The realm between sleep and wake. Hmm, a new novel idea? Delirium: A Tale of Unsure Realities. Haha. My subconscious is really creative so I'm sure that even if I just wrote my experience verbatim it would be a decent novel.
Anyway, I often feel like I'm living in that half-dream/half-wake state throughout the day. I feel like even when I'm fully awake, I have a strong connection to that "realm". So sometimes I'll be staring out the window and will have those "delirious" thoughts of crazy meta-reflections while looking at a bee outside my window and thinking, "I am one with the universe and that is another soul right there." Many of the reflections are hard to transcribe because they are so abstract. I may be able to write a piece on the piano or draw an image of them, though. Speaking of that, I had some fun two days ago writing a song for part of my fiction novel. I hummed the song into my recording device and created some lyrics for it. It was a traditional song sung by one of the character groups in my book.
So bottom line, after writing this whole thought process out, I am less concerned with my waking mental state. I guess I don't need to be locked up. It totally makes sense that my complete exhaustion would lead to my brain trying to "sleep" throughout the day, which would bring me closer to the delirious state that causes me to have those crazy thoughts and visions. Not schizophrenic visions, in case you were starting to think that; just, abstract visions and insightful reflections about the universe.
I remember when I was much more in touch with this abstract and weird part of myself -- when I was 18 and a freshwoman in college, I remember some of my friends thought I was high a lot. I never was, but I allowed myself to go to that place where people go to when they are high -- I just didn't use drugs to get there. I believe that we all have "that place", but drugs just facilitate the route to getting there for most people. I think I just know a shortcut to that place because I don't need the drugs to "seem high" quite frequently. I kind of toned down that aspect of my personality when I was in graduate school and at work, but I guess it's still there. Also in terms of getting in touch with the delirious realm, many people don't remember their dreams, but I am VERY in touch with all of my dreams. I have so many experiences at night that most people rarely or never have. I think some people are just genetically predispositioned to have a stronger link to the crazy realm. Last night as I woke up out of a dream I was giggling at a joke from my dream -- but then I was fully awake and couldn't stop myself from giggling, even though it wasn't that funny. I just literally couldn't stop giggling for about 15 seconds, even thought I was awake and didn't mean to keep laughing. I'm sure anyone in the room would have really thought I was losing it. Who sits upright in the middle of the night and starts giggling in the dark for 15 seconds? Just me or a creepy, creepy person.
Maybe I can get back in touch with the crazy realm now that I'm ready to leave this phase of my life in about a month. Highway 101 to crazy, here I come!
I am very, very tired this morning after spending 9.5 hours in bed but only sleeping about 7.5. The air reminds me of fall camping and I have such a craving to grab a tent and some supplies and go camp. I was making some tea this morning in my tea pot and it got me thinking about heating water over a campfire. It's nice and chilly this morning and reminds me of chill mornings in the forest. I strongly desire to go camping. Perhaps it will be warm enough in October to go!
If I don't pass next month, I'm going to just up and leave for the rest of October and go travel locally, or maybe even to Mexico for a couple weeks. I wish I didn't have to go back to work on November 1st. As far as working there goes, I'm leaning toward giving them my notice and saying that I can work part-time from home for them until they can hire someone to replace me, but after that I have to leave. I feel so awful physically that I just don't think I can go back there, no matter the benefits. If I did my calculations correctly, if I worked there until I retired I would get $70,000/year for the rest of my life. That seems oddly high. That figure doesn't even include any additional mutual funds, 401ks, or social security (I've decided not to plan on getting any social security, given the state of the program today). So the retirement benefits have made me rethink my strategy, but perhaps I can just transfer to a different state agency if that's so important to me. I have some ideas about companies I want to work for, and a number of them are in the two nearby cities where I want to live. I miss Portland a lot (and I am always so happy to drive across the river because it feels like home), but Seattle just has so much more opportunity for me. So ANYWAY, if I don't pass, I'll be FREE on October 5th at 8 AM. The rest of my life will be mine! And if that happens, I'll likely book two weeks in Mexico, go camping and hiking somewhere out of the billion options, maybe visit Crater Lake for a few days, and stay on the San Juan Islands for a few days.
If I do pass, I will have a few more weeks of editing and paperwork left to do, but I should still be able to fit in 1 week of vacation at the end of October (23-31). I still haven't decided what I want to do if I only have a week, but I have a growing urge to get out of here, wherever it is. And the urge is not to be avoidant in "getting out of here", but to be DONE with that chapter of my life and go have a personal experience somewhere with nature to get back in touch with myself. That was originally why I was planning to go to Ireland and Scotland for 3 months next year, to get back in touch with myself. To rent an Irish cottage overlooking the sea and to read and write all day, to hike around, to go see the sights, to hear new accents, ahhhhh, it makes me so excited. I don't think I can do 3 months over there, mostly because I don't know who (relationship-wise) would go with me and I do think it's safer to travel with someone. I could adjust my plans to be safer if I have to go on my own, but it would just be nice to share it with someone. I've done traveling on my own and with groups, but have only once gone on an international trip with a significant other. I had also considered hiking the Pacific Crest Trail next year to get back in touch with myself. Then I realized I wasn't sure I could make a 3-month trip happen alone, so I broke it up into 1 to 1.5-week segments that I could work on over time. I could do a week or week and a half of the PCT each year until I made it all the way. It wouldn't be as meaningful of a personal experience, but I still really want to do it. Maybe I can make it happen next year. No better time than now! I have no kids and no house, so now would really be the best time to do something like that. It will also probably be easier to do it now than in the future because of my physical capabilities.
There are just so many things I want to do that I missed out on over the past few years...it's hard to know how to go about fitting them into my future. More than half of me wants to find some part-time job that I can do from home so that I can spend 3 months in Ireland, Scotland, and England. I could work a couple hours a day and spend the rest traveling. I think that option could be reasonable, but I'm not quite sure what I would do for work. I almost want to get a work visa and stay there for 6 months doing whatever work I could find. That is exactly the kind of experience I need right now. Some sort of adventure, but I do need to be able to fund myself because I don't have savings. Something to think about. Perhaps I could work at this job until May 2014, as I planned, and then quit and do a 3-month trip before searching for new jobs. That still sounds like the smartest alternative to get everything I want out of the deal. That would allow me to go to Hawaii in May and then do a 3-month trip of some kind. Ideally, I would be able to do the 3-month trip right after I get out of this mess next month, but that's not an option due to work and lack of savings (and the fact that it's winter and neither Ireland nor the PCT would be doable next month). The Pacific Crest Trail would certainly be the cheaper of the two options, so maybe that's what I should do. But, I can also break up the PCT into segments a whole lot easier than I can travel to Ireland, so perhaps a concentrated trip to Ireland would be best.
So if I pass, I'm going to try to finish my draft and submit it as quickly as possible and then probably see how I feel by then. I may go to Mexico for a full week, or may just go to San Juans and Crater Lake and possibly Cannon Beach. It's too bad that the timing worked out this way (ending so late in the year), otherwise once I finished I could have done some summer stuff. But October is usually still very sunny, even though colder.
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