The finish line

Thunderstorms again today!!!

Today I've made a number of good choices in eating:

• Fruits: Carrot juice, cranberry juice, raspberries, blackberries, strawberries, blueberries, peaches, mango, apple, red grapes, plums, cherry tomatoes, red bell pepper, green bell pepper, avocado, cranberries, raisins.
• Vegetables: Artichokes, brussel sprouts, asparagus, onion, kale, carrots, broccoli, cucumber.
• Other things: Whole wheat spaghetti, tomato sauce, tofu, garlic, green tea, almond milk, flaxseed wild blueberry muffin, pistachios, cashews, hummus, mango sorbet, red potato, whole wheat couscous, olive oil, flaxseed, oatmeal, kidney beans.

I'm having serious motivational problems. I'm feeling a little bit like, "Where's the light at the end of the tunnel?" What can you expect with the level of learned helplessness that I have felt over the past few years. With such a horribly long binary outcome such as "PhD or No PhD", it often feels like you never make any progress until you get to the end of the line. It feels like I didn't complete all my doctoral coursework, my Master's, my comprehensive exams, 2 research grants, 3 organizational consulting studies, or anything else, because I have not yet achieved the desired binary outcome of "PhD". It's a sad thing, learned helplessness. It's something I've referred to before, but is an integral part of psychology for me right now.

Learned helplessness is an integral part of anyone's life, too. Think about a rower who is rowing a 5k race. One she begins rowing she will have full strength in her muscles and adrenaline helping her to get the boat moving. She will see the immediate progress away from the dock (where the starting speed was zero, so comparatively her speed increase is dramatic). She will continue this way for a while -- maybe 500 meters or so. But then her muscles will start to tire and her mental outlook has to shift from adrenaline to maintenance. This will continue for a while. Somewhere in the middle she will experience a decline in her output and might start experiencing weaker pulls of the oar. She will be putting out less and less power experience smaller incremental feelings of satisfaction with each stroke. Right around halfway through the race she will face a huge mental challenge due to the fact that she probably feels so tired already but mentally has just realized that she still has to repeat half of the race -- the final half. The third quarter of the race is painful due to this mental shift. "How can I duplicate the effort I just put out?" Her form will start to come apart if she is not careful. But eventually she will make it through that third quarter and will start to hear the coxswain starting some final countdowns. She will get motivated again and probably get some more adrenaline to help push. She will see that her boat is close to some other boats and become more motivated that she needs to put everything she can into the finish. Then, near the end, she will probably worry here and there that the other boat is ahead -- she can't look at them because she has to focus on herself. She might feel at the point of exhaustion, but she keeps going. It's a mixture of fear and exhaustion when she crosses the finish line and finds out the results of the race.

Well, I'm about at that end point of the race. I've completed the first quarter (coursework), second quarter (Master's), third quarter (comprehensive exams), and now nearing the end of the race where I am at the point of exhaustion and have started to feel an immense fear of failure. There's really nothing you can say to reassure yourself at this point. You just have to finish. You have to try. Even if you think you won't win, you just keep putting the oar in the water in the off chance that you happen to cross the finish line first or maybe even come in second.

I think I'm experiencing a lot of the learned helplessness due to a little PTSD from graduate school, but also feeling very burned out and wanting a vacation, fearful of the outcome of my meeting in 3 weeks, sad about what I'll do when this is all over, and lonely (due to having to sit in my room all day with my computer). Here are the steps that I'm taking to deal with my poor situation:

• Be around someone. I may go down to Portland tomorrow to stay at R's for a week, just so I can be around someone else, even if I'm not "hanging out" or doing something fun socially. At least I won't feel totally isolated for the next few weeks.
• Eat well (see above). I'm eating very well now and I'm sure it's helping me.
• Sleep 8 hours a night. I got about 7.5 hours last night.
• Work hard on writing this draft and studying. The more I fix on this draft, the better I will feel about the meeting. And the more articles and books I review before my meeting, the better prepared I will feel. That is all I can do. Work hard and study until the time comes. That is my best strategy for finishing this thing.
• Exercise. I won't exercise until I send this draft (hopefully Wednesday), but after that, start walking 15-30 minutes a day. That's nothing major, but it's doable with my schedule right now.
• Trying to plan vacation for October! Current options are San Juan, Cannon Beach, Mexico, California, Hawaii.

I know I keep saying these things over and over, but what else do I have in my life right now except my laptop, food, and bed? These are the things in my life right now! It will change...very soon. My life will change on October 4th.