The Oregon side
The Washington side
The Cascade Locks and Native American fishing stands
It made me so happy to be out there doing fun stuff, enjoying nature. It was a nice break, especially with how I have been feeling in the last week. I have only felt this horrible one other time in my life -- when I was taking comprehensive exams. I am glad I've been able to get a few mini trips in here and there this year. Last November I went to Cannon Beach, then Ocean Shores in April, Seattle a couple times, the Gorge, and some kayaking on Puget Sound. I'm glad I've been able to have that many adventures given how busy I've been.
In my spare time at night I've been looking into what trips I could do in a week in November or December without spending a lot. A cruise? Mexico? Hawaii? Mexico is obviously the cheapest, but I'm unsure about the safety and need to read more about that. I need some sort of vacation, that's for sure. I deserve it, no matter how this thing turns out next month.
I'm very tired these days and feel like I'm at the end of my rope. I have a very strong urge to quit every single day. I'm so, so exhausted and burned out and pretty much 24-7 I feel like I can't take any more. I want to unpack my completely messy, just-moved-in apartment, but I have no time. I want to go see people, but I have no time. I want to live my life, but I have no time. I'm tired of having no time! I know it's only a few more weeks of this hell, but it's so, so difficult to stick with it. I could really use a personal chef and a research assistant right now. I've tried hiring R, but he's too busy lol. I don't have time to think about all the other things in my life that I want to fix. In fact, this issue causes me to want to avoid people -- I get tired of talking about the nothingness of my life. I can't talk about anything right now except my school -- I can't talk about my relationship status, my career path, my current job issues, my social life, plans for kids, plans for the future, or anything else that people have questions about because I literally don't think about those things. I have pushed them out of my mind completely for the last several months, and I only wish I'd done that sooner. I should have been fully focused on this rather than trying to fix all those aspects of my life at once. But what did I know? It's not like I'm living with my parents or some rich husband who can support me right now, so that's just the way it happened.
The only things I think about all day every day are (1) finish my next draft, (2) focus on doing little things each day to be healthy, and (3) start making plans for trips in the future. My time will be freed up in less than a month, if things go well. It's honestly a huge struggle just to make it through each day. I feel like giving up every other hour. I just keep telling myself to look at the ground and take some more steps. Ignore everything you're missing out on and just look at your computer and type. I've been trying to focus on my health throughout the day too. Here is my current report card of life -- I seriously hope this improves a great deal the second week of October:
I'm very tired these days and feel like I'm at the end of my rope. I have a very strong urge to quit every single day. I'm so, so exhausted and burned out and pretty much 24-7 I feel like I can't take any more. I want to unpack my completely messy, just-moved-in apartment, but I have no time. I want to go see people, but I have no time. I want to live my life, but I have no time. I'm tired of having no time! I know it's only a few more weeks of this hell, but it's so, so difficult to stick with it. I could really use a personal chef and a research assistant right now. I've tried hiring R, but he's too busy lol. I don't have time to think about all the other things in my life that I want to fix. In fact, this issue causes me to want to avoid people -- I get tired of talking about the nothingness of my life. I can't talk about anything right now except my school -- I can't talk about my relationship status, my career path, my current job issues, my social life, plans for kids, plans for the future, or anything else that people have questions about because I literally don't think about those things. I have pushed them out of my mind completely for the last several months, and I only wish I'd done that sooner. I should have been fully focused on this rather than trying to fix all those aspects of my life at once. But what did I know? It's not like I'm living with my parents or some rich husband who can support me right now, so that's just the way it happened.
The only things I think about all day every day are (1) finish my next draft, (2) focus on doing little things each day to be healthy, and (3) start making plans for trips in the future. My time will be freed up in less than a month, if things go well. It's honestly a huge struggle just to make it through each day. I feel like giving up every other hour. I just keep telling myself to look at the ground and take some more steps. Ignore everything you're missing out on and just look at your computer and type. I've been trying to focus on my health throughout the day too. Here is my current report card of life -- I seriously hope this improves a great deal the second week of October:
- Sleeping D (that grade refers to sleep quality of about 7 hours of real sleep a night; my personal attempt at sleeping gets a grade of B+, because I've definitely been lying in bed longer than 9 hours a night so I SHOULD be getting about 9 hours a night if I didn't constantly wake up). I have been trying to get sleep but I've been getting interrupted for 1-2 hours a night, so I don't technically get more than 7 hours of sleep a night. That's not enough, and it's not any more than I got before. It's making me very sluggish and demotivated and spacey. So I need to continue to try to get that up to 8 hours a night.
- Exercising B: I've been back on track with calories for a week now. The 17 hours of moving within the span of 2 days really kicked my butt into shape. I think I've probably lost a couple pounds. Also, I've been moving around a lot more. I went on a mile-walk around the neighborhood on Friday and then again today (thanks to L's motivational voice in my head). :) So I'm doing okay on this aspect.
- Eating B-: I've been doing alright, but not good. I've been having my usual coffee, almond milk, carrot juice, cranberry juice, and green tea each morning. I've been having a banana and peanut butter and an apple each day, usually. That's all good. I've been eating more bread (whole grain pita bread) + Lily's hummus than usual, and more bean dip (vegetarian refried beans, curry power, chili powder, cayenne, olive oil, wheat bran, flaxseed) + black bean or whole grain chips than usual. But it's pretty healthy stuff to be eating so it's not really a bad choice and I don't feel bad about that. I've been eating some sort of other item each day too, for dinner. I had a veggie burger and garden salad with oil and vinegar when we went out to eat after the cruise. Today, I had curried lentils with some wheat bran, curry, flaxseed (I always throw in 1 T ground and 1 T whole seed), and crumbled tofu tossed in. I've not been eating a lot of vegetables, though. My energy and motivation is so low right now that the thought of spending an hour making a salad sounds horrible. I need to start that again though, after Wednesday (when my last draft is due to my advisor). Until then, I can cheat a little. As long as I continue to eat moderately good foods, I'll be happy with myself for making it through with a mark of "good".
- Mental health C+: Although I'm horribly stressed out and anxious (which isn't going to go away until I get this meeting finished), I have been doing some things well. I've been writing in this journal, however painful it is to reflect on the quality of my life at the moment. I've been taking deep breaths and trying to use cognitive reframing when I get totally overwhelmed. I've been writing a little here and there in my fiction novel, which exercises my creativity and mind. I've been reading Lord of the Rings on my Kindle, which inspires me to write and helps me escape this world temporarily. I've been researching vacations, which makes me hopeful for the future and for when I can get back to living a normal life. Those are all good things. They are really the only things I have time for right now, but if I could I would also add in some banjo lessons and visiting friends. Unfortunately, I just can't handle those right now. So I'm happy with my "home-based" mental health choices that I'm making.
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