Struggling

I am having a REALLY hard time. I came home the angriest I've ever been in my life. I have never experienced that level of anger, and this has lasted a few weeks now. I have never been this angry or angry for this long. I am beyond furious most of every day. It is to the point where I have no clue how to even handle such emotions besides yelling at people and storming out of the ofice.

I'm not talking about regular frustration here...I'm talking about half our the office is in a frenzy due to the lawsuit, and the other half is normal/complacent because they're not doing any work toward the lawsuit. One of the most frustrating things is that the REASON that half isn't doing anything is because the half that I'm on is doing their work for them! I have nearly gotten in about 10 arguments today. There are sooooo many horrible things going on that it is BEYOND A toxic environment. Maybe when I calm down I can describe it, but I don't want to get worked up again.

I came home so angry I was crying out of frustration and wondering what I could break in my apartment. I ended up talking to J which helped reframe me...somewhat. You can't "reframe" out of this situation...the only way is to actually get out of the situation by leaving. Even when I leave, I still carry this anger and memory of all the SHITTY and rude things that happened at work that day. The amount of incivility and rudeness is unprecedented, on top of the crazy workload. I have now spent 7 of the last 8 days doing stuff for the lawsuit (and about 7.5 of those days were spent helping other people do their work).

Tomorrow I'm stepping out. If people ask me for help, I'm going to tell them to Google it and learn for themselves. I'm done helping. Especially when I spent all that time helping people do their responsibilities and they didn't even REALIZE that I was helping them! That's how oblivious they are...they were directly assigned a task by our boss and they haven't even said thank you once for 60 hours of work, or taken ANY ownership or leadership. I am so angry about this I don't even know if I can maintain my composure when confronting them about it, so I haven't said anything.

Tomorrow I have to say something to make it clear that they aren't doing their jobs. This is so stressful because I really needed to finish some projects so I could talk about them at interviews, but I have had ZERO time to do that in almost 2 weeks because I've been helping dumb people do their jobs. I'm also stressed because beyond the shittiness of this situation which is bad enough alone, the anger and pure insane frustration I feel all day is just making me feel bad about myself (not exactly "building me up" to prepare for selling myself in an interview next week).

I will stop helping people tomorrow morning. I will work hard on finishing the projects I want to finish for my interviews. I will practice for my interview. I will think about all the good things I have to offer to my next company, and ignore any bad feelings from the idiots who work here. You wouldn't believe the people's behavior here...management and non-management. One person got formally written up for sighing in front of a visitor. Another person's manager got scolded for being 4 minutes late to work. Another doesn't say goodnight when she leaves. Another told me I had a permanent scowl on my face for the last week (which is beyond hypocritical because this is a guy whose picture is next to 'gruff' in the dictionary and has a horrible attitude beyond all belief).

I have to tell myself that these people work here because they couldn't get jobs anywhere else. After my experience, I believe that is totally true.

I feel hopeless about finding a new job. The job market is so slim, few openings for what I do, and hiring takes so long that I feel like even a best case scenario would take a month at minimum before I could leave. I feel trapped. This was supposed to be a temporary job while I finished my PhD, and now that goal has been accomplished. I have had so many problems here from getting sick from air quality to rampant incivility...how can I get out?

Decisions Decisions

Was so tired I checked my work calendar in bed to see if I could call in sick today.

I am so sick of my idiot neighbors slamming their door. I guess it has no doorstop so it falls close and shakes my house every time they let it shut. It makes me jump every time. I have spoken to the manager and emailed them over the last month, but they've done nothing. I asked them to put weather stripping in because clearly the people living there aren't considerate enough to not slam the door closed ten times a night. You know how people slam a door when they're mad? That's how it is. It makes me want to get the hell out of this apartment...but I can't get a job any faster just because I WANT a job faster!

I talked to J for a while about whether we should expand our job search internationally. I think it would be fun to work in Europe for a while. He thinks he would most likely find jobs in China, Australia, or New York. I am considering it. I would rather work in China than Michigan or the center of the country. It would give me a chance to travel.

Jobs for my particular field and experience level only open up about once every 1-2 months. So it's hard to get motivated about getting out of here when the chances seem so low. I decided that for the next week I'm going to focus on studying for the interview and looking for job openings at places I'm really interested in. After that, I can make a decision about expanding my search and other decisions.

Argh

I am really revved up right now, and not in a good way. I am bursting with frustration and anger. I have spent the last 45 hours (out of the last 48 hours of work) at work doing nothing but pull files for this lawsuit. It wouldn't be so stressful except for:

• The fact that the 45 hours were spent on helping other people for this same project. This means that I haven't even been able to do my OWN part of this because I'm doing things that other leaders should be taking responsibility for!!! I have attempted 7 or 8 times now to "pass off" their own tasks back to them, but they are just not getting it. How many times can I say, "Okay I'm stepping out of this, here is YOUR spreadsheet that I put together"?? Then an hour later they send me information to put into their spreadsheet...YOU MEAN THE ONE I JUST GAVE BACK TO YOU BECAUSE IT'S YOUR RESPONSIBILITY?

• The fact that the 45 hours were spent helping dumb people do things they should learn on their own. For example, LEARN HOW TO PUT A FUCKING FILTER ON EXCEL!!!! LEARN CTRL+TAB!!! Omg...

• The fact that I need to work overtime because I NEED to get these projects done at work. I can't tell people at work this, but I need to get my projects done so that I can have a better resume and more fodder for interviews. So now I have to work overtime to get my regular shit done because I'm spending so much time on this damn request that is now due in 3 weeks.

I'm also pissed off because the secretary who sits next to me never says "goodnight" to me when she leaves. She walks RIGHT by my desk and always leaves at 5...yet never a goodbye. So fucking rude.

I have plenty of other things I could vent about, but honestly I need to use my time on wiser things like job search and interview preparation. I'm feeling out of it and having a hard time getting motivated to study and prepare for a new job. I have PLENTY of motivation that should be fueling my desire to get out quick. My desire is there. I just feel some hopelessness because the job market is rough. I really, really hope this first interview gets me a job...

Part of my hopelessness stems from not knowing where to start. I don't know where to start...in life. I finished a humongous chapter of my life six months ago and I still feel a little directionless. I have desires for where I want to go, but I am having a hard time getting there. Part of that was due to physical illness for 3 of those 6 months, part of it due to working too much overtime in March and April. Part of it this lawsuit. Part of it is that I don't have a clue where to start studying for interviews...I feel like I'm so far removed from research that I don't even know how to begin getting back into it in one week's time. Part of it is that this company I'm interviewing with is REALLY slow (I applied on April and am interviewing in July...) so I feel like even if my interview went well, I wouldn't be able to move for a few weeks after that at a minimum.

Here is my plan for the week:

1. Monday: Check most important job sites for job openings. Outline recruiting journal article. Outline of material that I want to study for next week's interview (e.g., their website).
2. Tuesday: Practice SPSS. Develop database. Read measurement book.
3. Wednesday: Practice SPSS. Develop database.
4. Thursday: Practice SPSS. Develop database.
5. Friday: Practice SPSS. Develop database. Skim whole research methods book.
6. Saturday: Practice answering behavioral interview questions.
7. Sunday: Practice answering behavioral interview questions. Read about company. Print new resume.

Summer

Hello!

As of April 27, 2014 I'd lost 15 pounds. As of June 18, 2014 I've lost 26. Geez! I'm hovering around 139 right now, hopefully will get to 135. I've been working a lot lately so it has been hard to manage my crazy specialized diet.

Work is insane. Legal issues that are insane.

This morning I was checking progress on my 2014 new year's resolutions:

• Get to 145 pounds. Status = met that and exceeded it, down to 139.
• Play fantasie impromptu. Status = I can play 3 out of 9 pages.
• Get a new job. Status = I have my first interview soon. Not a lot of jobs are open, but I'm in full applying mode now just watching and waiting for jobs to open up here.
• Go on 12 vacations. Status = 2 vacations, San Juan Islands and Kauai.

I've been having difficulty at work. I'm afraid to talk about it here so I won't. It is a legally precarious situation that is causing me/us a lot of stress.

Hawaii was amazing. The money I shelled out on the penthouse on Kauai was definitely worth it. Comfort and award-winning views.

Here is a view from the dining room table

Here's one of our views from the lanai

Our sail/snorkel cruise along the Na Pali North Shore coast:

I felt so relaxed and happy after being there for a week and a half. The day before we had to come home I started to remember work situations and the anxiety hit my stomach like ghost peppers. It was clear to me what effect this job is having on me. 

Don't get me wrong about the anxiety -- there is a lot of great stuff here. This town is beautiful, the work is exactly what I want to do (minus the legal stuff which I have now spent over 100 hours on...), and I like a ton of the people I work with. It's other things that are forcing me to leave. One reason is that I want to settle down in a bigger city. Other reasons are more important and scary, which is why I'm forced to leave.

I have a list of projects that I want to accomplish before I leave so that I can put them on my resume and use them in the future. This job is amazing in terms of being able to do what I want...it's almost ideal in many ways. I can work on so much stuff and have control over what I work on. I'm trying to work hard on getting those projects accomplished and am starting to make progress -- I have nearly completed 2 of the 6 projects I wanted to push through before I leave.

I'm also excited about traveling. I am currently planning out these trips over the next two years:

2014

• Oregon coast (summer, weekend)
• San Juan Island (summer, weekend)
• Olympic National Forest (summer, weekend)
• Crater Lake (summer, weekend)
• Pacific Crest Trail portion (summer, weekend)

2015

• Mexico (winter, 1 week)
• Philadelphia (week spring, .5 week)
• Ireland/Scotland (summer, 3 weeks)

It's ambitious. That's why I'm planning now so that I can see how much I need to save up. I also am wanting to do this now so that if I get a job soon I can try to bargain in a long trip. For example, when they hire me I could say, "I have previously booked a 3-week vacation next summer -- is that going to be okay?" I'm hoping J can do the same and we can spend 3 weeks over in Ireland and Scotland. 

I feel like right now I could really use an "awakening" trip to get back in touch with myself. Like hiking the whole Pacific Crest Trail, quitting my job and camping for a few months, traveling a foreign country for a couple months, something like that. I decided that I can't do that right now (even though the "live life!" side of me wants to drop everything and do that) because the job market is tough. There are so few job openings here that I don't feel confident I could quit without having a new job. Therefore, I decided I'm going to try to fit in regular traveling while continuing to have a normal working life:

• 1 week tropical vacation every winter
• 2 weeks foreign travel every summer
• Every 3-day holiday weekend should be a local weekend trip

I'm also hoping to work for a global company so that MAYBE someday I could get permission to work from a foreign office for a period of time. I'm visualizing working in London for a summer or something. Especially if I decide to have kids (that is increasingly becoming a really big "if") it would be awesome to live somewhere else during the summer so they can experience other life. Seems like a lot of places on earth aren't really good for traveling right now (Africa, Central America, Middle East, Russia, China), so I'm trying to focus my travel on safer countries for the time being. I've decided that I want to allot a significant portion of my annual budget to travel...maybe $10,000. Maybe less. I dunno. I also need to start a retirement account and pay off huge student loans though...lol.

The ideal life I'm working toward right now is acquiring skills and experience at work, getting a job in Seattle, setting up a garden, and starting to travel and do hobbies again. See friends. I'm getting there. I've made a ton of progress in changing my life in the last year. A ton. Dropped 26 pounds, gained a PhD, another year of relevant work experience, mental health is much improved since the PhD, and I've started to get back to myself. Playing the piano multiple days a week, working out multiple days a week, traveling more, it's all getting me back to myself.

Unknown

It has been a rough month. I've had a lot of pain and mental anguish.

I felt like I was enjoying work because I was finally working with someone I enjoyed working with. Then when that project ended, I felt like I lost a friend at work. We are totally different people so we don't really talk now, so I feel like I lost the only thing that was making work fun for the last few months.

I'm having a lot of anxiety over the last few days. It's because I have an upcoming conference and trip. I'm not sure why they are making me anxious, other than the fact that I am nervous about seeing people from my past (whom I don't want to see).

There are some people I want to see and I hope I can meet up with them for a bit. But most of the time, I'm just going to be doing stuff on my own and going to conference sessions. Then J is meeting up with me after the conference and we're going on vacation.

I feel anxious partly because I'm flying (I don't like it). Partly because I haven't done much planning so I feel unprepared. And a big part because I have a lot of projects at work that I need to move forward -- so I don't feel like I can take a full vacation, like I originally intended this trip to be. This was going to be my PhD reward trip and I was going to do NOTHING. Now, I feel pressure to work on projects so that I can finish them, get them on my resume, and get a new job SOON.

I obviously just need to balance work with relaxation on the trip, even though I don't like the thought of that. But I REALLY want to get a new job so finishing these additional projects and increasing my hirability is very valuable to me right now. I'm going to try to do a lot of the work during my conference days so that I can take more of a full vacation after the conference ends.

I used to love traveling. Now, I feel ambivalent about it...even anxious. That is so unlike me for the past 30 years. I use to get GOOD anxious before a trip -- I couldn't wait to go. Now I'm just afraid. I know why. Beyond all the factors mentioned above, it's that I have yet to rebuild my life and I fear coming back from vacation to nothingness.

So I'm quite aware of what is causing the anxiety, but it's hard to fix. I came up with a strategy for work so that I front-load the work during the conference portion of my trip. Then I will just do about 30-60 minutes of technical interview studying a day and real work while I'm on vacation...no more than that. I can do it in the morning. The rest of the time I need to make this trip what I intended it to be -- my PhD present to myself.

I hope this anxiety goes away.

*********

I also wanted to start feeling good about myself again even though I'm surrounded by things that don't help that goal. I want to be me again. I want to like myself again. I will start writing about the things I like about myself. What do they call that, a self-esteem journal?

(1) I like that I have had the commitment and strength to lose 22 pounds so far in 2014 (I wasn't even overweight to begin with, so that is even more impressive because it gets harder to lose weight when you're closer to your ideal weight). I started out with a BMI of 24.5, just under the top range of 18.5-24.9 range for normal weight. Now, my BMI is 21.5 -- right in the middle of normal weight range. 125 is underweight range for my height. My goal is about 135-140 (140 if I have a lot of muscle, 135 if I'm sedentary). This is actually the thinnest I have been since I was 13 years old - 5'9" and 135 pounds. I am proud of myself for accomplishing that weight loss and being more active.

(2) I like that I can appreciate the little things in life. After living with John I have noticed how much of this trait I have. I frequently tell him to look at our view and enjoy it. Me, on the other hand, I probably look at our view 20 minutes a day as I'm going about my business -- not including when I deliberately sit there to enjoy the view. I enjoy eating my food and trying new things. I enjoy seeing animals.

(3) I like that I can analyze a situation and think about the bigger picture. At work I think at a strategic level and have independently come up with projects on my own, because I think they will meet a business need.

It was surprisingly hard to come up with three things. That is how much I'm struggling right now. A lot of the reason is because my qualities are totally not appreciated in the environment I work in, and that just crushes your self-esteem. I try to remind myself that this culture is unique, but it's just impossible to give in after a while. That's why I'm so desperate to get out of here. I don't want to get sucked down further and lose all hope of self-esteem, confidence, happiness, enjoyment of work.

Fantastic Four(th Month)

I miss writing about my life. I feel like it keeps me in touch with myself. I intend to start writing again more frequently.

Updates:

• I lost 15 pounds (possibly 17-18, but I don't know if I trust this new scale that we got)
• I got my PhD diploma a couple months ago
• I am just starting to apply for jobs again, and I feel like I'm in a much better place now
• My tropical trip is totally booked, minus the fun events and adventures that we need to sign up for
• We went to the Washington State Fair a couple weekends ago. We rode a monster truck, watched "dock dogs" compete in a jumping competition, went to an animal exhibit, and did other fun stuff. He got donuts that he claimed are the best he can remember having (he's a donut fiend).
• I am trying to seriously work on my sleep. I slept about 9.5 hours Friday, but got up at 5 this morning after just about 4.5 hours of sleep (had a HORRIBLE nightmare about work). Seems like any progress I make on sleep (9.5 hours on Friday) is just totally negated the next day (4.5 hours of sleep). My goal is 9 hours per night, although 8 hours on average would be a tremendous achievement.
• I have a costume planned for this year's festivals - I'm paying someone to hand-craft it because I don't have time. Next year though, I'm going to hand-make this one I really like. I just am not ready for a big project like that right now.

I'm excited about getting a new job and living in a big city. There aren't a whole lot of jobs open for my field in this geographic location right now, so I decided to change my game plan. I made a list of actual companies where I would like to work because they have good cultures, good work-life balance, and they are in the area. 

I want to find somewhere I can stay for at least 3-5 years, because my resume has no indication of longevity -- I only stayed at my last 3 jobs for 1 year 2 months, 1 year 6 months, and now 1 year 2 months at this job. I need a longer stint, which means I need to find a place I am happy at. I made a list of 25 companies that I plan to watch and apply for any new job opening. There are currently 2 semi-related job openings that I'll be applying to today. They are jobs that are related to skills I have, but aren't directly in my field. 

My plan, because of the lack of current "perfectly relevant" job openings, is:

• To get an "in" with a company I like and work there until a job opens up in my field. I expect it will be easier to transfer to a position internally than externally, partially because if I start working there now I'll have the advantage of having direct experience with that company.
• As far as timeline, I've just really started my job search this weekend. I am about halfway done revising my resume. 
• I need to really start studying topics in my field so that I can start preparing for technical interviews (which is the most stressful part of interviewing). 
• I have also come up with a plan to fast-track some projects at my current job so that I can finish them and put those on my resume. I plan to put in some extra hours to get this done because there isn't enough time at work to get additional projects done. 
• Also, I really need to start working on getting 3 strong references. To do this, I plan to ask my current supervisor and the coworker I work with a lot at work (he's basically the VP of my division, so I think he would be good). I feel like I'm on shaky terms with my supervisor, so I need to work on that area the most. This is another reason I want to fast-track a few extra projects on my spare time, so that I can impress him and show a lot of accomplishments over the next month before I announce that I'm leaving.
• I plan to study for technical interviews over the month of May and start applying to jobs now whenever I see them. The tricky part is that I'll be on vacation for 2 weeks in May, so I may need to do some studying for interviews while I'm there. I'm thinking a minor amount, maybe 30 minutes a day (which equals about 1 journal article). Then when I come back, start studying more often. 
• My ideal plan is to study for interviews, prepare myself, and apply to jobs throughout the month of May, and hopefully get interviews in June. I hope to start a new job in July.

I'll update the trip pictures when I can -- J has to finish formatting them in his special program before he'll let me get final copies of them. Off to grocery shop, go on a nature education program, and do some job prep work!

Spring

I feel like I'm about to start getting back to life. I have lost 10 pounds. I've been working out 3-4 days a week for the last month. I've been working like crazy for the annual project going on at work right now, but hopefully that will calm down soon.

Went to the park last Friday with J, sat there and watched Mount Rainier, the Sound, and the mountains for a while. It was beautiful. On Sunday we went to the lake downtown and then walked down the port until we found a restaurant. I had blackened salmon and it was really good. I've been eating fish and eggs again, due to the allergies. Some salmon doesn't gross me out -- I've figured out ways to make it taste acceptable so that it doesn't really bother me too much anymore. We plan to go to a concert next weekend.

It was a great weekend, hanging out with him. It was just great. Things are pretty stressful at work, but I'm trying to just continue acting how I would normally act and forget all the bad attitudes and unprofessional behavior and just keep acting like how I would act. I don't know why people are so unhappy or rude, but at least I can control how I act.

I have only recently felt ready to "move on" with my new life. I have felt physically better in the last month, even given the incredible decline in sleep (the last couple months of sleep have been worse than when I was defending my PhD). I have been proud of myself for maintaining my health, my basic lifestyle, trying to learn at work, keeping a positive attitude at work in the midst of unpositive attitudes, and for trying to move forward and grow into a new person with a new life. I am proud of myself for how well I've kept it together.

Hawaii trip coming up this year, hopefully some more local trips too. I'm looking forward to doing some traveling with J.