Falling Forward

I've been wanting to get on here and write for so long...it has been a really hard couple months. REALLY hard nine months of recovery after finishing school last December. I have improved some areas of my life, but some areas are just getting worse the longer I'm here (mental health mainly, due to job).

Job

I am desperately trying to find a new job. I am miserable at work, my self-esteem is gone, I feel worthless and incompetent, sick all the time, unsupported (my boss has never sat down with me in 1.5 years to ask about my goals, my training needs, or anything like that...sometimes he doesn't even say "Bye" when he walks by my office on the way out of work...). People there are miserable and feel oppressed. We are constantly abused, left out of decisions that we should be involved with, and constantly have to deal with culture clashes due to the industry we work in (unfortunately the people in the "other" culture are the people running every division, so it's really difficult/impossible to talk to them about the cultural difficulties because they are part of that culture).

Until recently I had only been targeting jobs in Seattle (which has a very small percentage of jobs in my field). There just aren't a lot of low-level jobs in Seattle, unfortunately. Maybe 3 jobs that I'm qualified for have opened up in the last year. So J and I decided that moving away might be the only option...now I'm looking in Seattle, Portland, San Francisco, San Diego, DC, and Houston. I'll consider New York, LA, and Florida if I'm desperate. I'd really like to work in England or Australia and do some traveling, but I'm honestly not sure how to go about getting a job there.

My Diet 

(not the losing-weight kind of diet, the kind that describes what you generally eat)

I finally have my food and weight loss somewhat under control. I dropped 30 pounds from February-June...gained 5 of that back, but still I'm down a total of 25 pounds. I got retested for some of the food allergies and it looked like the corn one has gone away (which is huge...corn is in ALMOST EVERYTHING if you count normal corn, corn syrup solids, maltodextrin, modified food starch). I am glad I can eat corn, but I'm still going to try to buy non-GMO corn when I can. It's hard to buy my old organic, non-GMO stuff with all these restrictions...the only way to really make organic food now is to make it myself with separate organic ingredients (which is great and something I'd like to do more of anyway, but it's just a LOT of time to make ALL your food and causes huge issues when I forget my lunch for example (nothing I can eat out at restaurants so I just can't eat lunch)).

My old diet (pre-February 2014):

• Fruits: All the time = bananas, grapes, raisins, cranberries, strawberries, blueberries, apple, pears, cherries; Sometimes = kiwi, apricots, mangoes, peaches, papaya; Rarely = oranges, raspberries, watermelon
• Vegetables: All the time = Kale, avocado, Swiss chard, black beans, carrots, onion, bell peppers; Sometimes = cabbage, squash, pumpkin, lentils, cucumbers, peas, mushrooms; Rarely = artichokes, asparagus, bean sprouts, tomatoes
• Grains: All the time = whole wheat crackers, beer; Sometimes = whole wheat pasta, oatmeal, popcorn, barley, rye, couscous; Rarely = whole wheat bread, brown rice
• Protein: All the time = tofu, nuts (almonds, cashews, peanut butter, pistachios, walnuts); Never = animal products, eggs only if they were an ingredient in a processed food, 
• Dairy: Sometimes = small amounts of cheddar, mozzarella, Parmesan, yogurt, dairy milk
• Oils: All the time = Olive oil
• Desserts: Sometimes = graham crackers and chocolate; Rarely = butter

My diet these days (post-February 2014):

• Fruits: All the time = coconut milk, bananas, grapes, raisins, cranberries, strawberries, blueberries, apple, pears, mangoes, dates, figs; Sometimes = kiwi, papaya, raspberries; Rarely = oranges, watermelon
• Vegetables: All the time = broccoli, spinach, avocado, tomatoes, kidney/black beans; Sometimes = cassava root, plaintains, potatoes, taro, beets, turnips, artichokes, leeks, radishes; Rarely = asparagus
• Grains: All the time = brown rice, quinoa, rice milk; Sometimes = amaranth, buckwheat, millet, popcorn
• Protein: All the time = chicken eggs, pecans; Sometimes = salmon/tuna
• Dairy: All the time = frozen yogurt, ice cream, cheddar, mozzarella, Parmesan, yogurt
• Oils: All the time = Olive oil; Sometimes = sunflower oil
• Desserts: All the time = crystallized ginger, dried mangoes, ginger snaps; Very rarely = butter, coconut oil

Basically my point is...my diet nearly did a 180 and flipped on its head. I realized this even more yesterday when I reflected on the fact that my diet has been pretty much mainly: Coconuts, rice, mangoes, turnips, beets, radishes, spinach, leeks, tomatoes, and chia seeds. All stuff I never used to eat (except mango).

Favoritism

I was just skimming an article on NPR about favoritism in parents and how perception of favoritism is what makes the difference, not actual favoritism. It got me wondering who my parents' favorite is. My brother and I could hardly be more different. I have totally distanced myself from my family, so obviously now my brother has got to be the favorite.

I would guess that we were mostly equal favorites until I was about 10 or so (when I started to have an independent conscience), when I started avoiding my parents (in all aspects of life). Didn't want them to hear me play piano, didn't want them to watch me ride in my horse show, etc.). My brother was different, somewhat. He didn't push them away. He's less emotional and open about his life and emotions, but pushed away less also. I always felt like they favored him because he was the good ol' typical son and mostly because he played sports. My family is really. into. sports. I need to get going so here's a quick summary of the differences between my brother and I:

• He's still Catholic and religious. --> I chose not to be confirmed as a Catholic when I was 16, and am not religious.
• He attended a local high school. --> I went to private high school in another city.
• He went to state college where my parents went, got same degree as my dad, was in same fraternity as my dad. --> I went to private college where no one else in my family had gone and got a PhD.
• He played sports throughout his life and my family was very involved in watching him. --> I rode horses and did crew, neither of which my family was involved in.
• He's been at same job for the last 7 years since he was 22. --> I've had 7 jobs in 4 different states since I was 22.
• He got married when he was 26. --> I'm not married yet at 31.
• He lived with our parents after college and then bought a house when he was 26. --> I've lived in 9 different apartments since college and moved back to live with our parents 4 times during that time frame.
• He never left the country until he went to Cancun for a wedding when he was 28 and he never lived outside of our home state. --> I went to the NE United States when I was 10, six countries in Europe when I was 17, Spain for a summer immersion program when I was 18, Chile for a few months when I was 21, moved Ohio for four years when I was 22, moved to DC for a year and a half when I was 27, Canada when I was 28, lived in Washington for last 1.75 years.
• He played an instrument for a couple years and stopped Spanish after a couple years. --> I took two languages in high school and college and still play two instruments.
• Not to mention the fact that we have COMPLETELY different interests... He likes watching sports, drinking, and hanging out at home. --> I like costume parties, traveling, camping, hiking, science fiction, video games.

The only similarities we have are that we don't like to be physically affectionate in front of our parents, we both like Walking Dead, and we both started writing fiction books.

New Things of the Week: Made tapioca, made mashed turnips, cooked radishes, sunflower sprouts on salad.

Non Sequitur of the Day: Did you know that chimps have different murder rates in different locations, like our cities do? Bonobos apparently have the lowest murder rate overall with only 1 suspected murder in the last 92 years of observation, but chimps have higher rates in high density areas (due to competition for resources, is the theory). Interesting.

I can and I will

I CAN get out of here. I CAN do it. I need to believe it...

I am still having an insane time at work. My neighbors are still slamming their doors at full volume and shaking my apartment so much it makes me jump ~10-20 times a night. It's really stressful. Many times at night I'll cry after I come home just because of the work + slamming doors + feeling trapped here.

So far I am only interviewing with one place. I am continuing to apply to places I think are decent fits for me, which isn't many. Jobs are opening in my field frequently, but not here. I have been considering moving somewhere else. I really don't want to but I need to get out of here...

It has been beautiful, as summers are. Wonderful outside, 70s-80s, perfect to sit outside.

Okay just as I was thinking about how great the weather is, my neighbor just slammed the door so hard it made me jump in my seat and my heart raced. Omg. What do I do? Do I send ANOTHER noise complaint on them to management? (I already reported my next door neighbor, now this is my downstairs neighbor). How can people be so inconsiderate? I'm going to email management again and ask them to put a doorstop in that door too. Omg I need to get out of here into a nice place...

I'm going to start studying for technical interviews. I am also trying to sleep more. I have a costume part coming up that I am very excited about. I'm feeling okay, considering everything. I just really needed to come here to write out this:

"I Can get out of here. I WILL get out of here soon."

I would like a copy of...

I am having severe problems at work. My biggest stressor is that the current litigation is really straining my relationships with the two people I need to give me recommendations -- THAT is what is really stressing me out. Trying to maintain a positive image in their eyes while dealing with this litigation is horribly stressful. I ran into this at my last job when I was trying to leave too -- my supervisor was quite mean and I spent so much time trying to look good in her eyes near the end of my time there. I guess it paid off?

Anyway, that is really what's causing me stress right now. Beyond the litigation, grievance, and public records requests that I have to deal with during the course of my job. It's crazy. When do I have time to do my REAL job? In between dealing with lawsuits, union grievances, and pulling thousands of files for public records requests. I've spent 10-15% of my year pulling records for public records requests. That law needs to be changed -- not because it's a bad law, but because it allows loopholes...serious loopholes. It allows disgruntled employees and citizens to harass employers.

You wouldn't believe the stuff people ask for. I'm talking like, I know we've spent over $100,000 pulling records in my department alone in the last year since I've been there, just pulling records for people's requests. And that's just ONE department for ONE year in ONE agency!! Think about if you combined all agencies! It's costing millions of dollars just to pull files for public requests. It's fine to ask for records and I'm totally for openness, but harassment and abuse of those laws is a totally different story. Here's an example of what one employee has asked for (details changed to protect him): "I would like a copy of ALL spreadsheets that Dr. J has created in the last year and will create for the next 3 months." That means I have to find all my spreadsheets, which is a TON. And then the secretary has to look through EVERY single part of every spreadsheet and black out any confidential information. Then he might ask, "I now want a copy of all emails that Dr. J sends or receives for the next 3 months." Same situation there. Let's assume in the next month he asks for 15 more public records requests in a similar fashion. Yep, I have to provide them all. Suddenly my job is no longer my job, I am a well-paid file puller. The taxpayers are paying me a lot of money just to pull files for this one guy. Sadly, this hypothetical situation is not fake...it's understating what's really going on here.

But of course the public records stuff is all on top of our lawsuit, which I've spent over 100 hours on. Again, another month's salary goes to the litigation alone, along with a month's salary of every person in my department. I tell you...I never want to be involved in this realm again. I want nothing to do with public records or lawsuits. It sucks. It's frustrating to see people taking advantage of the system and essentially I am paying for it! We're all paying for these really squeaky wheels as a society. Sometimes you can oil a squeaky wheel and it stops squeaking, but sometimes you need to recognize when the wheel is just useless and get a new wheel...in this case, shut these people down from harassment somehow. It's frustrating because no ONE citizen should have that much power. I should not personally have the power to send a barrage of records requests to all state agencies who now have to spend $ on pulling files for me...essentially I could submit as many requests as a I wanted and spend millions of dollars on Dr. J's records requests. Even if I don't do anything with that information and was just curious about reading it. Millions of dollars down the drain!!! It's infuriating. The law needs to be fixed to prevent abuse. I shouldn't have the power alone to cost the citizens here millions of dollars just because I feel like it. Hopefully someone someday will get this story to the media and they can report on how much money is spent as a result of this law. If only taxpayers knew how much money they're paying to oil the squeaky wheels...

/end rant. I will write more inspirational stuff later. Right now I was trying to get my head in the game and forget about work issues today. Update tonight...

Insomnia = persistence

I always go IN to work thinking positively, hoping it will be a good day. Every day I go OUT of there short of breath (due to air), tired, and angry and/or frustrated. I sometimes don't like going home because I don't want to leave in the middle of a bad situation -- I'd rather sort things out before quitting. Kind of like how they say, "Don't go to bed angry!" I don't go to bed angry...to my chagrin sometimes because it means I often have endless patience for staying up and talking about things until they are resolved. Most people don't have that tolerance so it usually doesn't work out in my favor...they usually either fall asleep while I'm talking or they become so tired that it's worthless talking to them.

Why do I have such a tolerance for sleep avoidance? I have often wondered what is the physiological mechanism that causes someone to be a better sleeper or to be more of an insomniac. Is it a certain gene? What is happening at the cellular level to cause me to wake up at every sound when other people sleep like bricks? Why do I hate sleep when others love sleeping? I have been putting a concerted effort forth to increase my sleep, especially considering I'm sleeping WAY less and WAY worse than when I was working on my PhD!! That is a problem. I should be sleeping better!

Here's the graph from the sleep app I've been using to monitor my sleep since December 2012. My sleep quality was up near 90% and then it dropped to 70% right after I finished my PhD, and also when I switched my diet to be allergy free. I'm working on this. If you want a good idea of what this graph means, take a look at just before October 2013 -- that little dip there is when I was in the crazy, sleep-deprived, caffeinated, nervous breakdown final stages of defending my PhD. And now compare that to what has happened since October...that's insane!!

I really like Scramble with Friends, the app. I am heavily entrenched. So far my top word count is 137 words out of 180 seconds (180 seconds is the time of each round), meaning I find one word every 3/4 of a second. They also calculate your average words per minute...my average translates to 44 words per 60 seconds right now, but the wpm it's still continuing to climb daily because I just recently started playing and the average is slow to move upward.

***Update on 8/1/2014: My record is now 150 words in a 180-second game.

I really don't know how good my scores are because the app only ranks you against people you have played against, not the entire population of Scramble players. I just won 90 games in a row without losing so I assume I'm doing okay...I just wish you could see percentiles and statistics and stuff :). I like that sort of thing. I often get ~110-130 words out of the 180-second round, so it would be nice to see a chart of all my rounds to see my averages and stuff. Anyway, I'm really into the game.

I am looking forward to this interview. It will go really well. I am going to sell myself well and convince them that I'm their best choice. Then I will move out of here :). That is my plan. My other plan is to write in this journal at least once a day no matter what happens. I NEED to get back to regular writing. It helps me focus my energies, find direction and meaning in life, and organize my thoughts and priorities. It also motivates me to see my goals and accomplishments written down on e-paper. Going to bed so I can get up early to study...

Travel photos of the day

Because I don't have time to sit down and do a whole photo journey of my Hawaii trip (and other trips that I still haven't updated on!), I decided that each time I post on here I'm just going to choose a couple photos from an experience I had on a trip and give the story behind those photos. At some point once I find a job and have free time again I will be able to do full travel journals. Right now, though, I'm consumed with trying to find a new job ASAP.

Travel photos of the day

Koko Head Crater Hike, Honolulu, Hawaii, May 2014

I was in Honolulu for work (sweet location for work I know!). I always feel the push to do something new, challenging, difficult, scary, thrilling, or just plain 'new' for new's sake. I told someone earlier this year that one of my hobbies is "doing new things". I thought it was obvious what I meant, but she didn't understand. The philosophy means that I do one new thing every single day of my life. Sometimes I do two new things on one day and none the next, but that still counts as long as there is one new thing per day of the year. I keep a list of the New Thing of the Day.

On this particular Saturday I chose to test my limits. After reading Yelp and TripAdvisor reviews about this hike I started to get a little worried that I couldn't make it! Everyone described it as a "death hike", "painful", "masochistic", and said that anyone with physical problems should not "attempt" this hike?? Even the fact that there was the possibility of not making it through the whole hike meant it was scary! I was mostly concerned about my knee giving out as I've been having problems with my right knee. And there was certainly no easy way down if you got injured at the top...you'd probably have to hobble down yourself as that would be the fastest way to get out of there.

Looks pretty, eh? I climbed to the top of that 1,200 foot crater. 

I drove to the trail head with my iPhone flashlight at 4:30 a.m. I had heard that it was hard to find the trail head because you had to walk a long while in order to get there. It was true. I parked in some parking lot and luckily I saw some other cars there. I kind of stalked a group of guys who sounded like native Hawaiians because I figured they must know where the trail head was if they were natives. They were talking about girls and other topics so I deduced that they must have been here before if they weren't pondering which way to go, so I continued following them in the pitch blackness.

After about a five-minute walk we reached the START of the trail. I think it's probably a good thing that I couldn't see very well because looking up the hill would have been daunting. It was about 4:45 when I started up the trail.

Here is the view from the starting location. (I couldn't take any pictures when I was climbing up because it was totally black at that time, so I took this after I had come back down and was looking up at what I had just accomplished).

View at the top overlooking Hanauma Bay

View coming down -- that ridge you see in the stairs is basically a near-vertical drop. Not easy to climb down after climbing up that mountain!

On the way back to my car after feeling really accomplished and proud that I made it through the hike without a medivac, I got really sad because I saw a poster for a missing dog near the trail head. It had a picture of a small dog and said that the dog was last seen on the trail. So sad. I wonder what happened to it...did it fall off a cliff? How would the owner not notice that?

In the end I climbed 1,048 steps to the top and 1,048 going back down. Ouch! I couldn't walk for 4 days because my legs were so torn up...I hobbled around like an old lady. I would do it again in a heartbeat. But next time I would stretch first, take at LEAST 32 oz. of water (I only took 8 oz. and was totally dehydrated), and do it on a day when you have enough time to enjoy the view. I spent 30 minutes up top but had to head down to go to a work event. Make sure you have time to see the sun touch everything in your view!

Quick highlights because I need to start studying for my interview.

• I started a Marvel.com account. I'm reading the Uncanny X-Men comics starting with issue #1, first published in 1963. I can't believe the series has gone on that long! I always wanted to read comics but as a girl, you're not really exposed to that growing up and you have to go WAY out of your way to see out that kind of stuff. I didn't have that access readily available, but now I do! I love it so far. 
• I am going to be Jean Grey (Dark Phoenix) at a costume party soon. Last year I was the Green Lantern. I plan to be Daenerys Targaryen sometime as well. This weekend I commissioned a gold dragon egg to be made for that future costume :). I plan to be some characters from Battlestar Galactica, Skyrim, and Emma Frost in the near future too. I love cosplay!

Last night I fell asleep thinking about the answer to the question, "What would you do if you inherited $100,000 right now?" My answer: Pay off my remaining $42,000 in student loans, put $25,000 into starting a retirement account, stash $5,000 for traveling in the next two years, stash $3,000 in my emergency savings fund, and put $25,000 toward down payment for a condo. It was nice to think about being able to get out of the situation I'm in. I usually dream about that as a I go to sleep. Getting out of this job and apartment and into a nice apartment in a bigger city in a bigger company with a healthy building.

I'm getting nervous for my interview. Mostly because I so desperately need to get out of this job that I am scared of it not working out. I NEED to get out of this physical environment ASAP. It's not like I just desire a new job, I need one physically.

TGIF

Yesterday was better. I had better interactions. I think everyone put on a more pleasant face intentionally and tried to be civil because I think we were all at the end of our ropes on Wednesday. It was better. I'm going to try to avoid people today and catch up on projects I need to catch up on.

This weekend I need to plan what to do for 4th of July with J. We had originally planned to go camping at Crater Lake for the weekend so I'll see if we can still do that.

I need to do a ton of studying for the interview. All weekend. So I probably won't do anything else. I need to kickstart myself into study and job search mode.

I started writing a little in my book again last night after talking to L. I hadn't written in it since January! It was fun. I have a whole world in my head I've created and I've laid out the chapters and volumes so that I can write about different parts when I want to (I'm not writing it in order from page 1 to end). I've written a couple chapters introducing two of the main characters. Now I think I'll write a chapter on the evil villains so that I can have a good idea how to write the book. My plan is to write a LOT about anything I can think of to include and then I'll go back through and shorten it into a reasonable book. Right now I just want to be creative and write about my ideas so I can get a full outline of a story. I'll worry about actual "book writing" later. It is a lot of fun. :)

Mornings

Things are always better in the morning. I always prefer to work in the mornings so that I have energy, a fresh slate, and a clear(er) mind. I still have horrible anxiety and anger thinking about all the interactions I've had with people, the incivility, the name-calling, storming out of rooms, and what crap I have to look forward to today.

Up until about two days ago I was able to maintain a positive, cheerful attitude at work even when interacting with mopey, gruff, immature idiots. Rather than get dragged down and have a bad attitude too (which would be warranted given what's going on there...) I made a conscious decision last year to just act as I would if I were living my ideal life. Act happy. It's not really an "act" though, I'm just letting myself be happy and choosing to express that at work, rather than letting myself be unhappy and being mopey and rude like the others.

I love the mornings. I've been trying to get up regularly at 5 a.m. so that I can work for a few hours before work. That plan hasn't worked too well since I finished my PhD because I expended SUCH a high degree of energy trying to finish that thing that I didn't have any resources left. I'm proud of myself for getting up at ~5:30 a.m. this week to do stuff before work. I've done some studying for my first interview, did some budgeting, read some stuff for mental health prep before I head into hell (work). I need to work on going to bed earlier and getting up at 5 a.m. That's my goal for tomorrow and Friday.

Today I plan to go into work as cheery as usual. I am going to be stern and protect myself when people ask for help, and say, "Google is your friend. Use it." Or something like that. I will work on the projects I haven't gotten to work on in weeks due to the lawsuit. I will look forward to the future rather than let myself get bogged down ruminating about how awful the situation is. It really is a horrible situation, but I can't afford to let it affect me because I need to be in a good place when I start interviewing. I haven't had an issue with any of this stuff I'm talking about until about two days ago when I reached the end of my rope.

Normally I don't have to do self-talk in order to be positive, but seriously you wouldn't believe how bad things are...I will do a summary later with examples of the types of things going on. I heard someone call me an "overachiever" a couple days ago (lol). Someone also saw the two awards in my office that I've received within 14 months of working there, and she said, "You're so spoiled!" And she didn't mean it in a good way...she resents that I get treated so well by the higher-ups. That's just an example of what I go through.

Luckily the names I'm being called are totally tame and really aren't negative things compared to what other people are being called. But still, it makes me feel bad when people aren't even happy for my awards and what I have done -- instead, seeing my awards makes them resent management for not giving them an award and makes them see me as "privileged" and spoiled. Of course that detracts from how good I felt when getting the award. But I won't let it detract because you know what? Now I have two awards on my resume to show for my work here, which only looks good for me. And the only people I care about impressing are the two people I'm going to ask for recommendations when I get a new job. I just need to work on impressing them and managing my impression so that they see how awesome I am (and can tell the interviewers that).