Insomnia = persistence

I always go IN to work thinking positively, hoping it will be a good day. Every day I go OUT of there short of breath (due to air), tired, and angry and/or frustrated. I sometimes don't like going home because I don't want to leave in the middle of a bad situation -- I'd rather sort things out before quitting. Kind of like how they say, "Don't go to bed angry!" I don't go to bed angry...to my chagrin sometimes because it means I often have endless patience for staying up and talking about things until they are resolved. Most people don't have that tolerance so it usually doesn't work out in my favor...they usually either fall asleep while I'm talking or they become so tired that it's worthless talking to them.

Why do I have such a tolerance for sleep avoidance? I have often wondered what is the physiological mechanism that causes someone to be a better sleeper or to be more of an insomniac. Is it a certain gene? What is happening at the cellular level to cause me to wake up at every sound when other people sleep like bricks? Why do I hate sleep when others love sleeping? I have been putting a concerted effort forth to increase my sleep, especially considering I'm sleeping WAY less and WAY worse than when I was working on my PhD!! That is a problem. I should be sleeping better!

Here's the graph from the sleep app I've been using to monitor my sleep since December 2012. My sleep quality was up near 90% and then it dropped to 70% right after I finished my PhD, and also when I switched my diet to be allergy free. I'm working on this. If you want a good idea of what this graph means, take a look at just before October 2013 -- that little dip there is when I was in the crazy, sleep-deprived, caffeinated, nervous breakdown final stages of defending my PhD. And now compare that to what has happened since October...that's insane!!

I really like Scramble with Friends, the app. I am heavily entrenched. So far my top word count is 137 words out of 180 seconds (180 seconds is the time of each round), meaning I find one word every 3/4 of a second. They also calculate your average words per minute...my average translates to 44 words per 60 seconds right now, but the wpm it's still continuing to climb daily because I just recently started playing and the average is slow to move upward.

***Update on 8/1/2014: My record is now 150 words in a 180-second game.

I really don't know how good my scores are because the app only ranks you against people you have played against, not the entire population of Scramble players. I just won 90 games in a row without losing so I assume I'm doing okay...I just wish you could see percentiles and statistics and stuff :). I like that sort of thing. I often get ~110-130 words out of the 180-second round, so it would be nice to see a chart of all my rounds to see my averages and stuff. Anyway, I'm really into the game.

I am looking forward to this interview. It will go really well. I am going to sell myself well and convince them that I'm their best choice. Then I will move out of here :). That is my plan. My other plan is to write in this journal at least once a day no matter what happens. I NEED to get back to regular writing. It helps me focus my energies, find direction and meaning in life, and organize my thoughts and priorities. It also motivates me to see my goals and accomplishments written down on e-paper. Going to bed so I can get up early to study...

Travel photos of the day

Because I don't have time to sit down and do a whole photo journey of my Hawaii trip (and other trips that I still haven't updated on!), I decided that each time I post on here I'm just going to choose a couple photos from an experience I had on a trip and give the story behind those photos. At some point once I find a job and have free time again I will be able to do full travel journals. Right now, though, I'm consumed with trying to find a new job ASAP.

Travel photos of the day

Koko Head Crater Hike, Honolulu, Hawaii, May 2014

I was in Honolulu for work (sweet location for work I know!). I always feel the push to do something new, challenging, difficult, scary, thrilling, or just plain 'new' for new's sake. I told someone earlier this year that one of my hobbies is "doing new things". I thought it was obvious what I meant, but she didn't understand. The philosophy means that I do one new thing every single day of my life. Sometimes I do two new things on one day and none the next, but that still counts as long as there is one new thing per day of the year. I keep a list of the New Thing of the Day.

On this particular Saturday I chose to test my limits. After reading Yelp and TripAdvisor reviews about this hike I started to get a little worried that I couldn't make it! Everyone described it as a "death hike", "painful", "masochistic", and said that anyone with physical problems should not "attempt" this hike?? Even the fact that there was the possibility of not making it through the whole hike meant it was scary! I was mostly concerned about my knee giving out as I've been having problems with my right knee. And there was certainly no easy way down if you got injured at the top...you'd probably have to hobble down yourself as that would be the fastest way to get out of there.

Looks pretty, eh? I climbed to the top of that 1,200 foot crater. 

I drove to the trail head with my iPhone flashlight at 4:30 a.m. I had heard that it was hard to find the trail head because you had to walk a long while in order to get there. It was true. I parked in some parking lot and luckily I saw some other cars there. I kind of stalked a group of guys who sounded like native Hawaiians because I figured they must know where the trail head was if they were natives. They were talking about girls and other topics so I deduced that they must have been here before if they weren't pondering which way to go, so I continued following them in the pitch blackness.

After about a five-minute walk we reached the START of the trail. I think it's probably a good thing that I couldn't see very well because looking up the hill would have been daunting. It was about 4:45 when I started up the trail.

Here is the view from the starting location. (I couldn't take any pictures when I was climbing up because it was totally black at that time, so I took this after I had come back down and was looking up at what I had just accomplished).

View at the top overlooking Hanauma Bay

View coming down -- that ridge you see in the stairs is basically a near-vertical drop. Not easy to climb down after climbing up that mountain!

On the way back to my car after feeling really accomplished and proud that I made it through the hike without a medivac, I got really sad because I saw a poster for a missing dog near the trail head. It had a picture of a small dog and said that the dog was last seen on the trail. So sad. I wonder what happened to it...did it fall off a cliff? How would the owner not notice that?

In the end I climbed 1,048 steps to the top and 1,048 going back down. Ouch! I couldn't walk for 4 days because my legs were so torn up...I hobbled around like an old lady. I would do it again in a heartbeat. But next time I would stretch first, take at LEAST 32 oz. of water (I only took 8 oz. and was totally dehydrated), and do it on a day when you have enough time to enjoy the view. I spent 30 minutes up top but had to head down to go to a work event. Make sure you have time to see the sun touch everything in your view!

Quick highlights because I need to start studying for my interview.

• I started a Marvel.com account. I'm reading the Uncanny X-Men comics starting with issue #1, first published in 1963. I can't believe the series has gone on that long! I always wanted to read comics but as a girl, you're not really exposed to that growing up and you have to go WAY out of your way to see out that kind of stuff. I didn't have that access readily available, but now I do! I love it so far. 
• I am going to be Jean Grey (Dark Phoenix) at a costume party soon. Last year I was the Green Lantern. I plan to be Daenerys Targaryen sometime as well. This weekend I commissioned a gold dragon egg to be made for that future costume :). I plan to be some characters from Battlestar Galactica, Skyrim, and Emma Frost in the near future too. I love cosplay!

Last night I fell asleep thinking about the answer to the question, "What would you do if you inherited $100,000 right now?" My answer: Pay off my remaining $42,000 in student loans, put $25,000 into starting a retirement account, stash $5,000 for traveling in the next two years, stash $3,000 in my emergency savings fund, and put $25,000 toward down payment for a condo. It was nice to think about being able to get out of the situation I'm in. I usually dream about that as a I go to sleep. Getting out of this job and apartment and into a nice apartment in a bigger city in a bigger company with a healthy building.

I'm getting nervous for my interview. Mostly because I so desperately need to get out of this job that I am scared of it not working out. I NEED to get out of this physical environment ASAP. It's not like I just desire a new job, I need one physically.

TGIF

Yesterday was better. I had better interactions. I think everyone put on a more pleasant face intentionally and tried to be civil because I think we were all at the end of our ropes on Wednesday. It was better. I'm going to try to avoid people today and catch up on projects I need to catch up on.

This weekend I need to plan what to do for 4th of July with J. We had originally planned to go camping at Crater Lake for the weekend so I'll see if we can still do that.

I need to do a ton of studying for the interview. All weekend. So I probably won't do anything else. I need to kickstart myself into study and job search mode.

I started writing a little in my book again last night after talking to L. I hadn't written in it since January! It was fun. I have a whole world in my head I've created and I've laid out the chapters and volumes so that I can write about different parts when I want to (I'm not writing it in order from page 1 to end). I've written a couple chapters introducing two of the main characters. Now I think I'll write a chapter on the evil villains so that I can have a good idea how to write the book. My plan is to write a LOT about anything I can think of to include and then I'll go back through and shorten it into a reasonable book. Right now I just want to be creative and write about my ideas so I can get a full outline of a story. I'll worry about actual "book writing" later. It is a lot of fun. :)

Mornings

Things are always better in the morning. I always prefer to work in the mornings so that I have energy, a fresh slate, and a clear(er) mind. I still have horrible anxiety and anger thinking about all the interactions I've had with people, the incivility, the name-calling, storming out of rooms, and what crap I have to look forward to today.

Up until about two days ago I was able to maintain a positive, cheerful attitude at work even when interacting with mopey, gruff, immature idiots. Rather than get dragged down and have a bad attitude too (which would be warranted given what's going on there...) I made a conscious decision last year to just act as I would if I were living my ideal life. Act happy. It's not really an "act" though, I'm just letting myself be happy and choosing to express that at work, rather than letting myself be unhappy and being mopey and rude like the others.

I love the mornings. I've been trying to get up regularly at 5 a.m. so that I can work for a few hours before work. That plan hasn't worked too well since I finished my PhD because I expended SUCH a high degree of energy trying to finish that thing that I didn't have any resources left. I'm proud of myself for getting up at ~5:30 a.m. this week to do stuff before work. I've done some studying for my first interview, did some budgeting, read some stuff for mental health prep before I head into hell (work). I need to work on going to bed earlier and getting up at 5 a.m. That's my goal for tomorrow and Friday.

Today I plan to go into work as cheery as usual. I am going to be stern and protect myself when people ask for help, and say, "Google is your friend. Use it." Or something like that. I will work on the projects I haven't gotten to work on in weeks due to the lawsuit. I will look forward to the future rather than let myself get bogged down ruminating about how awful the situation is. It really is a horrible situation, but I can't afford to let it affect me because I need to be in a good place when I start interviewing. I haven't had an issue with any of this stuff I'm talking about until about two days ago when I reached the end of my rope.

Normally I don't have to do self-talk in order to be positive, but seriously you wouldn't believe how bad things are...I will do a summary later with examples of the types of things going on. I heard someone call me an "overachiever" a couple days ago (lol). Someone also saw the two awards in my office that I've received within 14 months of working there, and she said, "You're so spoiled!" And she didn't mean it in a good way...she resents that I get treated so well by the higher-ups. That's just an example of what I go through.

Luckily the names I'm being called are totally tame and really aren't negative things compared to what other people are being called. But still, it makes me feel bad when people aren't even happy for my awards and what I have done -- instead, seeing my awards makes them resent management for not giving them an award and makes them see me as "privileged" and spoiled. Of course that detracts from how good I felt when getting the award. But I won't let it detract because you know what? Now I have two awards on my resume to show for my work here, which only looks good for me. And the only people I care about impressing are the two people I'm going to ask for recommendations when I get a new job. I just need to work on impressing them and managing my impression so that they see how awesome I am (and can tell the interviewers that).

Struggling

I am having a REALLY hard time. I came home the angriest I've ever been in my life. I have never experienced that level of anger, and this has lasted a few weeks now. I have never been this angry or angry for this long. I am beyond furious most of every day. It is to the point where I have no clue how to even handle such emotions besides yelling at people and storming out of the ofice.

I'm not talking about regular frustration here...I'm talking about half our the office is in a frenzy due to the lawsuit, and the other half is normal/complacent because they're not doing any work toward the lawsuit. One of the most frustrating things is that the REASON that half isn't doing anything is because the half that I'm on is doing their work for them! I have nearly gotten in about 10 arguments today. There are sooooo many horrible things going on that it is BEYOND A toxic environment. Maybe when I calm down I can describe it, but I don't want to get worked up again.

I came home so angry I was crying out of frustration and wondering what I could break in my apartment. I ended up talking to J which helped reframe me...somewhat. You can't "reframe" out of this situation...the only way is to actually get out of the situation by leaving. Even when I leave, I still carry this anger and memory of all the SHITTY and rude things that happened at work that day. The amount of incivility and rudeness is unprecedented, on top of the crazy workload. I have now spent 7 of the last 8 days doing stuff for the lawsuit (and about 7.5 of those days were spent helping other people do their work).

Tomorrow I'm stepping out. If people ask me for help, I'm going to tell them to Google it and learn for themselves. I'm done helping. Especially when I spent all that time helping people do their responsibilities and they didn't even REALIZE that I was helping them! That's how oblivious they are...they were directly assigned a task by our boss and they haven't even said thank you once for 60 hours of work, or taken ANY ownership or leadership. I am so angry about this I don't even know if I can maintain my composure when confronting them about it, so I haven't said anything.

Tomorrow I have to say something to make it clear that they aren't doing their jobs. This is so stressful because I really needed to finish some projects so I could talk about them at interviews, but I have had ZERO time to do that in almost 2 weeks because I've been helping dumb people do their jobs. I'm also stressed because beyond the shittiness of this situation which is bad enough alone, the anger and pure insane frustration I feel all day is just making me feel bad about myself (not exactly "building me up" to prepare for selling myself in an interview next week).

I will stop helping people tomorrow morning. I will work hard on finishing the projects I want to finish for my interviews. I will practice for my interview. I will think about all the good things I have to offer to my next company, and ignore any bad feelings from the idiots who work here. You wouldn't believe the people's behavior here...management and non-management. One person got formally written up for sighing in front of a visitor. Another person's manager got scolded for being 4 minutes late to work. Another doesn't say goodnight when she leaves. Another told me I had a permanent scowl on my face for the last week (which is beyond hypocritical because this is a guy whose picture is next to 'gruff' in the dictionary and has a horrible attitude beyond all belief).

I have to tell myself that these people work here because they couldn't get jobs anywhere else. After my experience, I believe that is totally true.

I feel hopeless about finding a new job. The job market is so slim, few openings for what I do, and hiring takes so long that I feel like even a best case scenario would take a month at minimum before I could leave. I feel trapped. This was supposed to be a temporary job while I finished my PhD, and now that goal has been accomplished. I have had so many problems here from getting sick from air quality to rampant incivility...how can I get out?

Decisions Decisions

Was so tired I checked my work calendar in bed to see if I could call in sick today.

I am so sick of my idiot neighbors slamming their door. I guess it has no doorstop so it falls close and shakes my house every time they let it shut. It makes me jump every time. I have spoken to the manager and emailed them over the last month, but they've done nothing. I asked them to put weather stripping in because clearly the people living there aren't considerate enough to not slam the door closed ten times a night. You know how people slam a door when they're mad? That's how it is. It makes me want to get the hell out of this apartment...but I can't get a job any faster just because I WANT a job faster!

I talked to J for a while about whether we should expand our job search internationally. I think it would be fun to work in Europe for a while. He thinks he would most likely find jobs in China, Australia, or New York. I am considering it. I would rather work in China than Michigan or the center of the country. It would give me a chance to travel.

Jobs for my particular field and experience level only open up about once every 1-2 months. So it's hard to get motivated about getting out of here when the chances seem so low. I decided that for the next week I'm going to focus on studying for the interview and looking for job openings at places I'm really interested in. After that, I can make a decision about expanding my search and other decisions.

Argh

I am really revved up right now, and not in a good way. I am bursting with frustration and anger. I have spent the last 45 hours (out of the last 48 hours of work) at work doing nothing but pull files for this lawsuit. It wouldn't be so stressful except for:

• The fact that the 45 hours were spent on helping other people for this same project. This means that I haven't even been able to do my OWN part of this because I'm doing things that other leaders should be taking responsibility for!!! I have attempted 7 or 8 times now to "pass off" their own tasks back to them, but they are just not getting it. How many times can I say, "Okay I'm stepping out of this, here is YOUR spreadsheet that I put together"?? Then an hour later they send me information to put into their spreadsheet...YOU MEAN THE ONE I JUST GAVE BACK TO YOU BECAUSE IT'S YOUR RESPONSIBILITY?

• The fact that the 45 hours were spent helping dumb people do things they should learn on their own. For example, LEARN HOW TO PUT A FUCKING FILTER ON EXCEL!!!! LEARN CTRL+TAB!!! Omg...

• The fact that I need to work overtime because I NEED to get these projects done at work. I can't tell people at work this, but I need to get my projects done so that I can have a better resume and more fodder for interviews. So now I have to work overtime to get my regular shit done because I'm spending so much time on this damn request that is now due in 3 weeks.

I'm also pissed off because the secretary who sits next to me never says "goodnight" to me when she leaves. She walks RIGHT by my desk and always leaves at 5...yet never a goodbye. So fucking rude.

I have plenty of other things I could vent about, but honestly I need to use my time on wiser things like job search and interview preparation. I'm feeling out of it and having a hard time getting motivated to study and prepare for a new job. I have PLENTY of motivation that should be fueling my desire to get out quick. My desire is there. I just feel some hopelessness because the job market is rough. I really, really hope this first interview gets me a job...

Part of my hopelessness stems from not knowing where to start. I don't know where to start...in life. I finished a humongous chapter of my life six months ago and I still feel a little directionless. I have desires for where I want to go, but I am having a hard time getting there. Part of that was due to physical illness for 3 of those 6 months, part of it due to working too much overtime in March and April. Part of it this lawsuit. Part of it is that I don't have a clue where to start studying for interviews...I feel like I'm so far removed from research that I don't even know how to begin getting back into it in one week's time. Part of it is that this company I'm interviewing with is REALLY slow (I applied on April and am interviewing in July...) so I feel like even if my interview went well, I wouldn't be able to move for a few weeks after that at a minimum.

Here is my plan for the week:

1. Monday: Check most important job sites for job openings. Outline recruiting journal article. Outline of material that I want to study for next week's interview (e.g., their website).
2. Tuesday: Practice SPSS. Develop database. Read measurement book.
3. Wednesday: Practice SPSS. Develop database.
4. Thursday: Practice SPSS. Develop database.
5. Friday: Practice SPSS. Develop database. Skim whole research methods book.
6. Saturday: Practice answering behavioral interview questions.
7. Sunday: Practice answering behavioral interview questions. Read about company. Print new resume.

Summer

Hello!

As of April 27, 2014 I'd lost 15 pounds. As of June 18, 2014 I've lost 26. Geez! I'm hovering around 139 right now, hopefully will get to 135. I've been working a lot lately so it has been hard to manage my crazy specialized diet.

Work is insane. Legal issues that are insane.

This morning I was checking progress on my 2014 new year's resolutions:

• Get to 145 pounds. Status = met that and exceeded it, down to 139.
• Play fantasie impromptu. Status = I can play 3 out of 9 pages.
• Get a new job. Status = I have my first interview soon. Not a lot of jobs are open, but I'm in full applying mode now just watching and waiting for jobs to open up here.
• Go on 12 vacations. Status = 2 vacations, San Juan Islands and Kauai.

I've been having difficulty at work. I'm afraid to talk about it here so I won't. It is a legally precarious situation that is causing me/us a lot of stress.

Hawaii was amazing. The money I shelled out on the penthouse on Kauai was definitely worth it. Comfort and award-winning views.

Here is a view from the dining room table

Here's one of our views from the lanai

Our sail/snorkel cruise along the Na Pali North Shore coast:

I felt so relaxed and happy after being there for a week and a half. The day before we had to come home I started to remember work situations and the anxiety hit my stomach like ghost peppers. It was clear to me what effect this job is having on me. 

Don't get me wrong about the anxiety -- there is a lot of great stuff here. This town is beautiful, the work is exactly what I want to do (minus the legal stuff which I have now spent over 100 hours on...), and I like a ton of the people I work with. It's other things that are forcing me to leave. One reason is that I want to settle down in a bigger city. Other reasons are more important and scary, which is why I'm forced to leave.

I have a list of projects that I want to accomplish before I leave so that I can put them on my resume and use them in the future. This job is amazing in terms of being able to do what I want...it's almost ideal in many ways. I can work on so much stuff and have control over what I work on. I'm trying to work hard on getting those projects accomplished and am starting to make progress -- I have nearly completed 2 of the 6 projects I wanted to push through before I leave.

I'm also excited about traveling. I am currently planning out these trips over the next two years:

2014

• Oregon coast (summer, weekend)
• San Juan Island (summer, weekend)
• Olympic National Forest (summer, weekend)
• Crater Lake (summer, weekend)
• Pacific Crest Trail portion (summer, weekend)

2015

• Mexico (winter, 1 week)
• Philadelphia (week spring, .5 week)
• Ireland/Scotland (summer, 3 weeks)

It's ambitious. That's why I'm planning now so that I can see how much I need to save up. I also am wanting to do this now so that if I get a job soon I can try to bargain in a long trip. For example, when they hire me I could say, "I have previously booked a 3-week vacation next summer -- is that going to be okay?" I'm hoping J can do the same and we can spend 3 weeks over in Ireland and Scotland. 

I feel like right now I could really use an "awakening" trip to get back in touch with myself. Like hiking the whole Pacific Crest Trail, quitting my job and camping for a few months, traveling a foreign country for a couple months, something like that. I decided that I can't do that right now (even though the "live life!" side of me wants to drop everything and do that) because the job market is tough. There are so few job openings here that I don't feel confident I could quit without having a new job. Therefore, I decided I'm going to try to fit in regular traveling while continuing to have a normal working life:

• 1 week tropical vacation every winter
• 2 weeks foreign travel every summer
• Every 3-day holiday weekend should be a local weekend trip

I'm also hoping to work for a global company so that MAYBE someday I could get permission to work from a foreign office for a period of time. I'm visualizing working in London for a summer or something. Especially if I decide to have kids (that is increasingly becoming a really big "if") it would be awesome to live somewhere else during the summer so they can experience other life. Seems like a lot of places on earth aren't really good for traveling right now (Africa, Central America, Middle East, Russia, China), so I'm trying to focus my travel on safer countries for the time being. I've decided that I want to allot a significant portion of my annual budget to travel...maybe $10,000. Maybe less. I dunno. I also need to start a retirement account and pay off huge student loans though...lol.

The ideal life I'm working toward right now is acquiring skills and experience at work, getting a job in Seattle, setting up a garden, and starting to travel and do hobbies again. See friends. I'm getting there. I've made a ton of progress in changing my life in the last year. A ton. Dropped 26 pounds, gained a PhD, another year of relevant work experience, mental health is much improved since the PhD, and I've started to get back to myself. Playing the piano multiple days a week, working out multiple days a week, traveling more, it's all getting me back to myself.