You would never have guessed it from appearances, but yesterday was the best day I've had in
months. It went something like this:
- 5:30 am: Woke up. Exhausted. Wanted to go back to bed but had to get up to send an e-mail.
- 5:30-7:00 am: Wrote first draft of dissertation presentation. Didn't finish it by the time I had to leave, so I only finished it halfway.
- 7:30-9:30 am: Started the 2-hour drive back to my home city so that I could attend 2 appointments up there that day. Drove through the West Hills and past my high school on the way to Washington. Got a call that my 9:45 appointment was cancelled (the main reason I was driving up there in the first place) and rescheduled for the following day (today).
- 10:00 am: Had to find a computer to use because I had only planned on staying up there for the 2 appointments that I had that day. Got to public library an hour before they opened. Sat there trying to read my presentation on my phone only to realize that I don't think I can edit PowerPoint on a phone, so I could only read it.
- 10:45 am: Went to McDonald's (closest restaurant to the library) to find out that they had stopped serving breakfast and the only vegetarian option was really unhealthy dessert or a burger without meat. I ordered oatmeal and french fries. In front of me, an employee said to my cashier, "I think I have a bladder infection." The cashier replied, "I just got over one last week." Ummmm............
- 11:00-12:00 noon: Signed up for a library card, reserved a computer next to some guy researching medicare. Worked on editing my presentation until about 11:30 when a Hispanic guy took a call and said, "Hey man. I just got over a bad case of diarrhea last week. It was bad. I was going to come by for a slice, do you want me to head over now?" He spoke very loudly in the middle of a library full of people working silently on computers and old people reading newspapers............
- 12:00-12:30 pm: Had to move to a new computer due to reservation schedules. Worked on finishing my presentation while a guy next to me played one of those games where you hit colored bubbles in a row, and then switched to playing something that looked like an RPG with castles and stuff. He kept commenting out loud to himself, "Aw!", "Psh", "Bitch!", etc. Oh, and then he took off his shoes and was leaning over and picking at his feet. That's what did it for me and I moved to a table far, far away.
- 1:00-2:00 pm: Went to my 2nd appointment that day. Had one of the best and most productive conversations regarding my life with my counselor.
- 2:00 pm: Cancelled appointment that had been rescheduled and moved it to a day after this school is done.
- 2:00-4:00 pm: Drove back to Portland. It was an absolutely gorgeous drive. I will try to post pictures sometime. I had time to think in the car about things -- my plan for the next week and my plan for a trip at the end of October.
- Felt really great. Felt less stressed about life, felt like my life won't be ending next week, felt empowered to deal with the trauma that I'm experiencing right now with having to face my past every day, felt excited for my trip in October, and felt like I had hope about the future and finding a job I could be happy at (and that won't make me physically sick). I actually felt pretty decent. If that's how I'll feel once this is over, I will be happy. I miss knowing what that feels like. I've spent almost all of my 20s working toward this date, so I have completely forgotten what not having obligations feels like. I feel really good!
- 5:00-9:00 pm: Had a serious craving for tater tots and a Blizzard. Got a decent substitute instead and watched Star Trek into Darkness because I was beyond exhausted.
- Had many extreme nightmares that I woke up from with a pounding heart and fear.
Doesn't exactly sound like the day of my dreams, but due to the current state of my life right now, that day was leagues better than my life at the moment and something about all the events and the weather really lifted my spirits. Lol, it sounds funny to explain how great yesterday was and how my spirits were "lifted" after a day like described above!! I guess it speaks volumes about the current state of my life haha.
Also this week I bought the
Game of Thrones ringtone for my phone and it pleases me to no end to hear it when I get a call.
However, today I'm feeling less enthusiastic about going into my last week of this. Partially because I'm unsure if this will be my last week. I am experiencing a lot of anxiety about not finishing next Friday. I fear that everyone will ask me how it went (assuming they will hear good things) and that I will have to say I didn't pass or I won't be finishing due to the amount of changes. I'm terrified of that. I'm also terrified of not knowing the outcome next Friday.
I keep telling myself, "Hold out until next Friday...it will all be over." Well, that might not be true and that's what terrifies me. If I pass with conditions, I will have to do changes and it makes me feel out of control, like if you were in a hostage situation and the enemy kept saying, "Just do XYZ for one more week." So you do XYZ and mentally hold out until next Friday, counting on that day psychologically. And then when next Friday comes he says, "I just need you to do ABC for me now for another week." And when that week is over, he again says, "Okay I just need you to do a few more things for me before I let you go." Well after a while of that, you feel like the end is never in sight and you feel like you'll never get out. That's how I feel right now, thinking about the possibility of the outcome not being 100% known next Friday. I just don't know how much more I can take, psychologically or physically. It feels like one of those horrible dreams where you are running away from someone chasing you with a machete but you can't run or you're running so slowly and it's sooo frustrating because you can't run. It's the feeling of a never-ending nightmare that appears to be ending, but the end keeps getting pushed back for another week and another week. THAT'S what I'm terrified of. I really am doubting if I can take any more of this -- for example, if I pass with conditions that require me to do a bunch more stuff, I really don't know if I can do it at this point.
I have one week left. By this time next week I will be on a plane back to the NW and will likely know the outcome of my
life degree. As I discussed with my companion yesterday, it is very helpful for me to think about what I'm going through as a rape victim would think about going back to the place where she was raped or testifying against her attacker in court. I haven't been raped, but everything I'm going through is summed up by PTSD or traumatic stress. Everything I've gone through in the last 4 years or so is summarized for me on those descriptions about PTSD. The only thing missing was the acute stressor that was a threat to my life (instead, I had a number of stressors that occurred that led to other stressors which led to a consistent lifestyle that acted as a continuing stressor). Everything else is a totally accurate description of my life for the past few years.
So right now in the past month, I am going through my equivalent of a rape victim testifying against her attacker in court. It's not a pretty story (when this is all over I may write it up with the details). But thinking about it that way helps me mentally. Thinking about how you always see those shows about rape victims and everyone counsels them to face the event so that they can move on -- to testify against her attacker so that she can get closure and move on with her life. I am telling myself that advice as well. I NEED this closure. I NEED to testify against my attackers -- my dissertation defense represents this (and not only symbolically, but also realistically in many ways). Facing all of those years of my life that I lost and facing the trauma that I experienced. This is what I'm going through on top of "writing some paper and attending a final meeting", which is probably how outsiders see it. Even most people who have gotten a PhD probably haven't experienced what I've gone through -- of course some probably have had similar experiences I'm sure, but I'm talking about more than just lots of studying and the degree-related stuff (which of course is traumatic in its own way).
I don't want to discuss all of that on here because it's very difficult to explain, let alone explain accurately on text to some unknown audience. But I CAN sum it up by saying that the only thing getting me through this mentally right now is my inner mind telling me that if I were a rape victim, I would tell myself that I HAVE to go to court to testify against my attacker and put him in jail so that I can move on with my life. I need this closure. I need to move on. I'm not exaggerating any of this, so I hope anyone reading doesn't think that I am. I'm just not willing to provide all the details of my experience in order to describe the full story of a trauma victim here. I'm not going to apologize to some fear that a reader might think I'm being unfair by comparing my experience to a rape victim (which is something that I found myself thinking and was therefore afraid to express the only analogy that was meaningful for me). I'm not climbing some dumb "mountain" or running a marathon. This is not college or high school or even a Master's degree. This is trauma. And those who haven't experienced it can't relate (luckily for me and unluckily for her, my counselor did have experience in an emotionally abusive relationship, so she knew many of the feelings that I was feeling from the trauma and was able to tell me how she got through her experience, which helped me think about my experience). I am lucky to have some people in my life who can understand as well as I could hope for even though they might not have gone through the exact same experiences. I also know a few people who have had many of the similar types of psychological trauma from going through graduate school and are understanding because they have been through the general experience of it. Without those people I don't know how deep I might have fallen into the hole.
I just started seeing this counselor a few weeks ago after I had started my leave of absence of work to focus fully on finishing my degree. She told me that I was a strong person for going through this and coming out relatively unfractured. To summarize her comments,
"You need to remember that you are a strong person for going through this and not completely breaking down. You may have some fractures, but you are not completely fractured beyond repair. You will be able to rebuild those fractures again soon after this is over next week. After I left my emotionally abusive relationship, I remember thinking that it was a miracle I didn't end up as a meth addict or homeless or totally lose my mind. But then I realized that I was a strong person going into the situation, so because of that I was able to come out without any serious problems beyond repair. I was in a bad place then, but once I left him the veils started to lift and slowly I got back in touch with who I am, I started to get back in touch with the things I had loved doing, my self-esteem improved, and I started to see myself again."
I thought that was an interesting way to put it. I left graduate school in a really dark place in 2009 but was able to slowly put myself back together piece-by-piece. I have already patched up many of those fractures. I am a different person than I was when I had just left that environment, depressed and hopeless and lost. I already did so much work on rebuilding myself that last year in the spring when I started to love someone, I felt that my life was almost complete again. I felt in touch with myself and the things that I wanted to do, and I was again excited about the future. However, the underlying stressor was still in my life and starting in October 2012 I decided to make one final push to see if I could get it done, or I would quit. The next day, I e-mailed my advisor to ask if I could make the change in data collection method and to my surprise he said yes. So I went on to get the review board's approval, collect data, analyze data, write 5 drafts, schedule my final meeting, and apply for graduation. Now one year later I am preparing for that final meeting in October 2013. It has been a difficult year trying to get this far, and much of my current fear/anxiety is due to the fact that if I don't pass, I'm afraid I will feel like all the pain I went through to try to finish will have been in vain. All the stress I went through in the last year to basically do the last 75% of my entire dissertation project will have been wasted. That is what scares me. Unfortunately at this point, nothing except removal of the stressor (i.e., either finishing or quitting graduate school next week) can fix that fracture of fear. Many of the fractures that still exist will also fix themselves after this is all over. Once the stressor is removed, I will start to rebuild.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I have been feeling that some of the fractures that I patched up over the past few years have been starting to crack again as I've been working toward this goal over the last few months. Having to fly back to the school and have this meeting has caused me to revisit many of the various unpleasant and even traumatic experiences that happened during my 4 years there. I need to remember that I have patched many of those fractures up already, and minor cracking won't break them down completely again. I'm in a new place with my life, a stronger place. I have achieved things that allow me more strength in getting through this without cracking. I may experience some minor cracks over the next week as I relive many of those painful moments. Mostly I try to ignore and not think about the painful events and I do a good job of it, but even a split second of remembering a painful moment can cause bad consequences. So I just need to be prepared for next week by telling myself that my patching job will hold on most of my fractures. I might feel a little stress and pressure on most of them, but my foundation will hold. And starting NEXT WEEKEND (wow that's close!) I can start to fill in the remaining patches and build the house of my dreams.
The point is that rather than think about next week as a pass/fail meeting that will determine the outcome of my life (which it is, truly), I am choosing to think about next week as my courtroom trial. As the necessary action that I must take to get closure on this and move on with my life. I need to face the trial and go through this experience for my future self and so that I can return to myself and my life. If I don't go to the meeting, I will not get that closure. It is mentally a whole lot more doable for me to think of this as a necessary step in closure than it is to think about it as the outcome that will either cause severe cognitive dissonance for the rest of my life or something that will allow me closure by successfully completing this degree. Rather than think of it like that, I am choosing to think of it as "closure no matter what." It's not a choice of "closure or no closure", as the trauma victim might see the jury's decision (she might feel that she has not received closure if they jury's verdict is "not guilty"), but rather the act of testifying is her closure. Obviously one outcome would be better than the other, but the act of moving forward with her life is closure too. That's what I need to remember for the next week. I am achieving closure no matter what the outcome is. And just like the trauma victim, I do have a chance at receiving my desired verdict (receiving the phd) so I need to take that chance.
Haha, I know this might sound really cryptic because I'm not giving details, but I've just learned from experience that some people in my life are really judgmental and non-empathetic and are terrible at communication and support -- although those people have not been invited to see this journal! But the aversion still remains because I fear that others besides those people will react the same way. Although I have certainly had hundreds if not thousands of great experiences and great relationship moments throughout the past 4 years (including tons and tons of concerts, sightseeing, traveling, learning, meeting people, etc.), I have not talked about the bad experiences that I have had.
There are many reasons for this that maybe I will get into soon after I have more time, because it's important to express what you're feeling as some point. I haven't been willing to talk about it until recently (because it will be over soon), but I will just say this: In order to move forward, you need to fully face and acknowledge what you went through so that you can dissolve that part of your life forever. You will never move forward if you keep an enemy locked up in the basement -- you'll always be worried that the enemy is going to break out. He might even make noises that scare you sometimes when you're going about your daily life, and you'll be forced to remember that he's there, so you won't forget about it. But if you are able to confront and get rid of that enemy for good, you don't have to live in fear or worry anymore. This is what I am doing right now and I have to give myself a lot of credit for it.
I found an article with some inspiring quotes on courage. I realized that you need a lot of courage to go through what I've been through and not come out the other end in a grave. Some of my favorites from
this article:
I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear — Nelson Mandela
Most of our obstacles would melt away if, instead of cowering before them, we should make up our minds to walk boldly through them — Orison Swett Marden (1850-1924)
I hope to reach that point soon. I want to look back and say that I had courage. That is the only way that I will be able to move on.
Also, last weekend I tried out the Irish tea room. It was adorable and the owner had an Irish accent. I had a pot of tea (Bewley's Irish Breakfast Tea) with milk and honey, Butler's hot chocolate, and beans on toast. It was lovely. I also picked up a couple items from their shop (they cater to the Irish, as the shop owners and multiple people who came in had Irish accents). Flahavan's porridge and some mustard with whiskey:
I've also achieved another significant change in my life -- no drinks in the last week. I have also only had 10 drinks in the last 27 days. I want to quit it for good, except for maybe 1 drink on special occasions (about 6 drinks a year). I need to treat my body better and I think that there is some chance of healing if you stop completely. I will make many changes at this turning point in my life, and this is one of them: Stopping all drinking completely. It will be hard because I enjoy the taste of beer, but it is something I want to get rid of. It's not good for you and I seriously regret all my use since I started drinking. I want to be whole again after next week. I will have time to make all the good food I want, to do the things I want, to exercise, to sleep, and to be happy again. I want to live happily ever after until the end of my days (as Bilbo Baggins likes to end his stories).
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